First off are you KIDDING me with this title??? I’m going to e-mail every boy from my creative writing workshop classes and suggest this as a title for their next short story and I bet they will seriously all take that suggestion and they’ll probably get published in like The Paris Review (???? is this even a place people get published??? I HAVE A DEGREE IN THIS) and win a Pulitzer and then buy my soul from me when I am penniless and poor.
LAST TIME on PRETTY LITTLE LIARS it was christmas, Spencer was arrested for murder and was out on bail, Mona is dead, Hanna got a letter from dead Mona and went to A’s house, Alison is most assuredly A according to these four girls who have always been wrong for the last, what, 5 years? All these women are 32 right?
I’m so lost.
Emily’s girlfriend is being written out of the show, and Aria is wearing a lot of animal print still.
Imagine what this show would be like if Juicy Couture jumpsuits were still in play???? I try not to be too nostalgic but that is something I always wonder about.
But let’s live in the present and relive the masterpiece that was PLL season 5 episode 14.
We begin 3 months after Christmas at Mona’s funeral, except there’s no body in the coffin it’s just some random stuff that Mona liked. What would replace your body in your coffin? For me it’s probably Britney Spears merchandise and cheap Forever 21 jewelry.
It’s late March in Rosewood, which means the Liars are able to bare their arms during this funeral, thank GOD. They look great, though unfortunately it’s cut short because gasp who shows up at Mona’s funeral???
ALISON, who the Liars firmly believe murdered Mona, which of course means that she didn’t murder Mona. Alison knows she’s going to a funeral and just says FUCK IT and wears pink flowers even though everyone already hates her. Love that commitment Alison!
Well Mona’s mom slaps her across the face! OMG!
SHOCKING. As usual I’m pretty damn lost on this? What does Mona’s mom know about her daughter? What does she know about Alison? Was Mona Hawaiian? Did they fly in leis from Hawaii? Are they real flowers? What does that even cost?
But you have to remember that Rosewood is a fantasy land in which so many people get murdered that Mona’s mom probably had the lei distributor on speed dial and then had to consider multiple competing offers.
Spencer wins for Worst Dressed at this funeral, and then goes home.
Her dad tells her some stuff? Idk I couldn’t remember who he was for the first half of what he said, but something about Spencer going to jail even though she’s on bail.
Next, Ezria are somewhere I don’t even know. It’s a construction site? Ezra needs help with shelves and asks if Aria has heard from Oberlin yet. Aria is wearing an amazing jacket.
Meanwhile, Toby is a police officer and is still stuck in the noir episode. Not, like, quite sure why the experienced detective is divulging particulars about this very serious case to a rookie who is dating the accused, but sure. Yeah, that would happen. Whatever.
but none of this matters because PAIGE IS LEAVING AND THE WORLD IS SAD. Somehow I’ve never really been into Paily. Like, they’re decently cute but Paige is so….like boring? That’s not the right word. She just is so lame. Like she never does anything!!! That’s not necessarily her fault, but it just makes her character so bland. Does she just practice swimming all day? LIke what is she about? I don’t even know. She wears a lot of vests. That’s all I’ve ever gotten.
Remember when Caleb was a ghost? I know they tried to explain this away after Ravenswood ended, but I forget what he said. Fireflies were involved I think? Sounds about right because Caleb is so gentle. LIKE A GHOST.
Anyway, he and Hanna are eating chocolate ice cream and Caleb can’t hack into Mona’s computer. They’re sure they’ll find some evidence linking Mona’s murder to Alison!! If only Mona wasn’t so damn smart and awesome.
Then Hanna turns this into a conversation about how they should seek out the psychic (?) from Ravenswood (?) that also has the same name as Dumbledore’s former lover? (???) Grundewald? What? Again, this makes no sense to me, but whatever. Sure. Let’s go with it. Caleb says NO!! THAT’s A BAD IDEA!! So hanna will most assuredly do it in a minute.
But first we’re at Spencer. She is scared of going to prison, the rest of them are like “it’s cool.” Then Spencer has a plan. Ok.
Aria sits on a bench at night to open her admissions letters cause WHERE ELSE WOULD YOU DO THAT? Especially when there’s a murderer about! Someone’s gotta see your butterfly top!
Then Alison shows up. What is up with her? Like what’s she been doing the past few months? Did she get into Oberlin?
They say some stuff, yknow, like, “YOU’RE A MURDERER” and “NO I’M NOT” and then Aria pulls out her rape whistle.
Then Ezra talks to Aria’s brother about Mona and he’s like “why aren’t you crying” and there are saws and it’s all very masculine and testosterone fueled.
Sidenote: when did Aria’s brother grow up? damn, Mona got to him as a boy but turned him into a man. Honestly they could replace Aria’s brother with Mark Ruffalo and I’d be like “oh wow brilliant casting they do really look alike!”
Hanna is at Mona’s grave with the psychic mentioned earlier and has her touch a stuffed dog.
When I’m old as shit like this, all I’m gonna do is fuck with people. I’ll take dead people’s shit and tell their friends they’re essentially in hell and they’ll be like “grandma hell sounds awesome since the earth is just a burning pile of trash floating through space” #savethewhales #watchWallE
ANYWAY, she says some stuff about where Mona’s body is and then some stuff about how they all have secrets. Yeah that’s in the fucking theme song bitch. Tell us something we don’t know.
Spencer’s previously mentioned plan involves picking apart Ali’s alibi for where she was when Mona was murdered, and she does that by talking to her half brother, Jason. Emily goes to look for a muffin tin while she does this. Spencer wears these really cool pants.
They say some stuff. I wasn’t paying attention.
Emily and Spencer go back to the Hasting’s household, and Emily reveals that she has stolen Ali’s hairbrush.
okay there are things i can believe suspend my disbelief for but what the HECK was Ali’s hairbrush doing in her KITCHEn???? Or did Emily somehow have enough time to go up to her room and find her brush? What? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Emily is the one with the plan now, and it’s to plant evidence at the crime scene that links it murder to Ali and absolve Spencer. Yeah, fight crime with crime. Spencer at this point is like “whatever” and I’m like “whatever.”
Aria is pissed she didn’t get into Lena Dunham’s alma mater, so she wants Caleb to hack into the website to “make sure it wasn’t A.” Mmk.
So Caleb teaches her how to hack. Sure. For some reason (one of the tweets ABC Fam wanted us to send was whether or not Aria should trust Ezra) I don’t fully trust Ezra. I can see him doing some shit to keep Aria in Rosewood. But also none of this makes any sense at all so whatever.
What’s Spencer and Emily’s ship name? Spemily? Either way, they’re committing a felony. But on the plus side, this severe bun means that Emily looks the gayest she has ever had.
Neither of them are concerned that someone will see them planting this. Emily says she “doesn’t know how long Mona’s mom will be gone” HOW DID SHE KNOW SHE WAS GONE in the FIRST PLACE?? Again. Whatever. Sure.
They find cameras in Mona’s house, and they suspect it may have captured the murder on film. They have Hanna tell Mona’s mom about the cameras for some reason?
Was Mona’s mom on the show before? Because this woman needs some kind of emotion. It sounded like I was listening to someone from NPR talk about how a teenager was murdered.
She wants to honor Mona by putting her pictures in some books. Okay. She says this in the creepiest way possible cause like, why else. And then Hanna’s like “THERE’S CAMERAS IN YOUR HOUSE” and peaces out.
Then A attacks Aria in this weird construction site and takes Mona’s computer.
I have a LONG HELD BELIEF that Aria has actually been A this whole time, so this attack is a little disappointing to me because it kind of pokes a hole in that theory a little bit. But also, why did Aria take the computer in the first place? Why didn’t she leave it at Caleb’s? Also how did A know she was going to be here? I don’t trust Ezra (again) but also WHY DIDN’T SHE DIE Aria is the worst.
Then Alison runs into Goonderbald, and there’s some close ups on both of their eyes? They probably want us to think they’re related somehow, which like sure why not. They both have blue eyes so there you go. Or maybe I’m reading too much into this because nothing on Pretty Little Liars actually means anything.
But good news!! The cameras in Mona’s house were suspiciously turned back on before Mona was murdered, so we have some video of a blonde person pushing Mona around. Jason is like “yeah I guess that could be Alison” there ya have it.
So the police go off to arrest Alison, with the help of the Liars who don’t let her escape like they know she will try to do.
It’s worth noting here that Emily chose not to take her girlfriend to the airport to do this little shove that keeps Ali in custody of the police. Yep, that’s a good decision.
Ali tells the Liars that she’s being framed and that A will kill them without Ali’s protection. The Liars are like “you’re lying!!” and the police arrest Ali. Yay!!! A is gone finally! There are two more seasons of this show, but those seasons will just be about them being happy and content I’m pretty sure.
Then Aria goes and talks to her brother about Mona and he finally has emotions.
Great! Glad his character was dealt with.
Then FINALLY we get to Paige.
Of course I cry because I have a heart. I’m not happy that the two lesbian characters are now separated by an entire country. If there were no lesbians on Pretty Little Liars, I doubt I would actually even think about watching this show. So even though I’m not the biggest fan of Paige (which I know is a horribly unpopular opinion), I’m sad to see her go.
But it’s unclear now whether or not Emily is single. Are they doing the long distance thing or is this a break up? I’d probably think the former, unless they want to have one of them cheat on the other one. Meh. As long as two girls are making out, I’ll take it.
But au revoir, Paige. At least we got to see Moze from Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide kiss some girls. My childhood thanks you for that.
Then we return to Spencer, who learns that the charges against her have been dropped.
I honestly think this is one of the dumbest things this show has done. This is par for the course for them, building something huge up, and then shrugging it off as nonchalantly as possible. “Oh you know that huge deal? It’s gone now all of a sudden.” Like what? I was really looking forward to some kind of like court thing with Spencer or something, because that would be so exciting and interesting. So of course they just dropped it.
Then the Liars are hanging out on a porch in March, just imagining their lives as A-less beings.
Aria mopes a little cause she didn’t get in anywhere, the rest of them somehow have not heard anything from anyone yet.
Cue creepy A music.
OMG BUT ALISON IS IN PRISON??? WHAT?????
Even the Liars are sick of this because they’re immediately just like “NOPE!” and they go back inside hahahaha.
So what did we learn this week? Nothing. I hope Spencer’s pill addiction comes back for the third time.
Nothing means anything.
We will all die someday.