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life and times

HEY!!! I now blog at ughitslaura.com!!! Go over there if you like this and wanna read more. <333

As a woman, I sometimes get approached by men who obviously just want to talk to a girl for a little bit, but they don’t know how to do it! They’re at a loss for words, or they opt for staring at me weirdly. No one wants to be a wallflower. Take some control over your life!

To help you guys out, I have come up with five strategies to help you talk to women. Whether you just want to be friendly or even something more, these tips will certainly help you get your foot in the door.

strategy #1: be a dog.

preferably one wearing tiny argyle socks, like the one seen below.

tumblr_mhzrrgjWRY1rxhvabo1_500

strategy #2: be a writer.

“hmm is Laura radiant or gorgeous, let me check my notes. oh yes of course she is both.”

Think about writing a short story where you simply write what you would say to me. Or perhaps a short film or something. Make me represent cultural excess or something, because I’m blonde so my hair is a symbol for gold or capitalism. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas. But it’s your story! What we do is up to you, but the key here is to stay far, far away from me in real life. Have fun with it!

strategy #3: spend money on me.

I will only look at you if I am peeking out of a pile of money, much like this woman is.

Did you know it’s actually illegal to call me “cute” without buying me anything? Luckily I’m already tied up in several lawsuits regarding this, so legal action won’t be taken for quite some time, but if you’re going to interact with me, I suggest your purchase some kind of good to give to me in return. Whether this be a drink or a snack or perhaps even a burrito or two, it’s up to you, but do know that the length of time I feel like I’ll be obligated to give you is highly dependent on the price of whatever’s given to me.

And if you’re thinking, but what if she’s gay?? then you don’t exist because there does not exist a man out there who even considers the possibility that the girl he is into might possibly not be into him. Shrug!! Either way, I may be gay, but when it comes to people buying things for me, I find that labels are less relevant to me.

J Lo says that love don’t cost a thing, and while she’s right, forced convos actually cost quite a lot for me. Please be respectful.

strategy #4: don’t.

or maybe just don’t? maybe just leave me alone? I know you’ve seen a thousand meet-cutes where the strapping dude saunters up to the girl and whatever else, but this ain’t a movie!!! Try tinder, I hear it’s great for single people!!

Try to imagine a world where you don’t get to choose what conversations you have with people, and instead other people choose for you. Wouldn’t that be quite the dystopia for you???

strategy #5: try being a different dog?

like, idk, this one maybe?

tumblr_n0lo72cUuX1qdlh1io1_400Whatever strategy you try, I’m sure you’ll get some kind of result because life continues to move on because that’s how time and space works.

Good luck!

THIS issssssss Jeopardy. Let’s meet our contestants.

contestants A professor of biochemistry from Fargo, North Dakota, Trish Nosenblattstein. The dude who discovered something really important and is kind of a genius from Corpus Christie, Texas, Jim Jimmerson. And our returning champion, a blogger and former barista from Maryland (not the nice part), Laura Dean! Whose four day, cash winnings total $22. AND NOW here is the HOST of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek!! “Thank you Johnny. Hello and welcome, we are so excited to bring you a game from two incredibly talented players, and one who seems to just get kind of lucky. We’re investigating it now, but…the show must go on! I didn’t survive 3 heart attacks just to not host Jeopardy, you know? The Jeopardy round is first, and here are the categories.” everyone LD has ever hated olive garden rent vmas matt-card-jeopardy-550px Notice the guacamole in quotation marks. and finally, goats

“Where members of our very own Clue Crew have gone out to meet these celebrity goats, and present them with your clues. Is this serious? Like I’m being pranked, right? This is ridiculous. Alright, well, Laura, let’s get this over with.”

laura

“I’ll take The Olive Garden Menu for $200 Alex.”

“Of course you will. These three meals appear in smaller versions on the plate when you order Olive Garden’s Tour of Italy.”

“Laura.”

laura

“What are lasagna, chicken parmesan, and fettuccine alfredo.”

“Correct.”

laura

“Olive Garden for $400.”

“These two seafoods appear on a plate of seafood Alfredo.”

“Trish!! Thank Christ.”

trish

“What is shrimp and scallops.”

“Yes you perfect angel.”

trish

“Uh, let’s go with History of the Video Music Awards for $200?”

“This star wore an impeccable light blue onesie with random letters on it on the red carpet at last year’s VMAs.”

“Laura.”

laura

“Who is T Swizzle.”

“Yes, we also would have accepted her real name, which is Taylor Swift. Back to you, Laura.”

laura

“Everyone Laura Dean has every hated for $600.”

“This person dared to ring in before Laura and answer a question about the Olive Garden menu just now.”

“Trish.”

trish

“Is it…Who is me?”

“No…? Laura?”

laura

“Who is Trish Nosenblattstein?”

“That is correct. Okay, this is ridiculous, are you writing the questions as we go? Like what is going on here? I need a break. Whatever. Just put on some Aleve commercials for the invalids who are still watching this, dear Christ.”

“Let’s meet the people who get to go home and live their lives, while I’m stuck here, repeating the same things over and over again like I live in Groundhog’s Day. Trish, it says here that you have a collection of poisonous frogs in your basement.”

trish

“Yes, and I design wigs for them, depending on how they remind me of various ex-boyfriends. Like for instance, I have a blue one that really reminds me of this guy I dated, haha, it’s kind of a funny story actually, one time we went to Chuck E. Cheese, well, no, went to Chuck E. Cheese alone and -“

“Alright, gonna stop you right there. This is just getting more and more fucked up, Trish. I don’t want to hear anymore of this.”

“Jim Jimmerson, you’ve been pretty quiet this whole game, but I’m ready to hear your story. Now I heard that you have a really interesting story about how you met Judith Butler.”

jim

“Oh man, wow, yeah, funny that you bring that up-“

“You wrote it on this card.”

jim

“Yeah well, I was just walking through my local dog shelter. I’ve always wanted a yorkie and there she was! My Judith Butler!!”

“What the heck is wrong with you people. Doesn’t anyone want to be on this show anymore? Have we seriously gone through everyone already? I’m not that old you guys.”

laura

“Alright Alex, c’mere. It’s me time. This is why I do this.”

“Okay, Laura. You have an fascinating story about a rather odd instrument.”

laura

“Yeah, I’ll get to that. But first I just want to send a message to these two over here. Yeah. If you’re gonna try to fuck with this, you might as well leave now. Mr. Jimmerson, you’ve got the right idea, just keep your mouth shut. Trish, I’m a four day fucking champ, you really think you can unseat me? You can go ahead and try but I’m gonna take all your dignity with me you piece of shit. Anyway, yeah, the whole story is pretty much like I was a loser and I played oboe in high school for some dumb reason. LET’S GO.”

“Alright, whatever. We’re just gonna skip right to double jeopardy because I could not really honestly care less. Just make Wheel of Fortune longer, I’m sure that cam whore Pat Sajak will cum in his pants just thinking about it. Let’s take a look at these next categories.”

geography physics sports taxes twin peaks xtina

“Ha! Finally. Okay. Trish, you’re in the negatives, so you get to choose first.”

trish

“Alright, let’s try….Literally Anything About Sports for $400.”

“This was the halftime show that Britney Spears had a performance with Aerosmith and *NSYNC.”

“Are you seriously fucking kidding me. Yes, Laura.”

laura

“What is Superbowl 35 in 2001.”

“Are all these questions just about Britney Spears somehow? Are they? Judges, just tell me. I’m done messing around, I’m done pretending, let’s go. They are? Even the taxes one? Especially the taxes one? Okay, we’re skipping to final Jeopardy. I’m done. Let’s see the category. Don’t even bother making wagers, none of you have any money anyway, alright, let’s see.”

emoji

“I’m not gonna bother. Laura, congratulations, you are now a five day champion.”

laura

“Alex!!! I won like a thousand dollars this time!”

“No you didn’t. This is making a mockery of Jeopardy. I’ll give you ten bucks.”

laura

“Sounds good.”

“Whoever you are, please do not tune in next time. This show is like a dog that can’t walk up stairs anymore. Let’s put it out of its misery. Why let it suffer anymore?”

The worst birthday I ever had was when I was very young. I don’t remember what age I was turning, but my party was on April Fools Day, and I was under 10 years old because this memory takes place very vividly in my old house. It’s also highly possible that I’m conflating two different shitty birthdays into one day, but I don’t think that matters so much.

So first of all, there were these series of games that the group of us played at my house, and every time a person won a game, they would get to pick a prize. These prizes were Lisa Frank themed, because obviously. They were the fucking bomb, except there were two that were clearly more inferior than the rest of the prizes.

They were mini notebooks that were on a keychain, and they had classic Lisa Frank covers. The yellow puppy, the multicolored neon lion, a pre-Bratz cartoon girl with a huge head. And I know you’re like “how could any of these be a terrible option?” and I get that, but two of these mini notebook keychains had a cover with two aliens on it.

FUCK. THIS.

It was quickly decided that these aliens were like, not the thing to get. Compared to dolphins, unicorns, and puppies these aliens were like if Lisa Frank had just drawn Hitler and put it on a notebook.

Looking at them now, they’re actually kind of cool, but NO. While playing these party games, it became less about winning a prize than not getting the notebooks with the aliens on it. It was ridiculous and stupid and meaningless, but I was like 7 or something. Nothing had meant more to me in my whole life at that point, except for maybe getting into fifth grade honors chorus a couple years later (which I did, by the way).

We played these games, and I don’t remember any of them, but I do remember that I didn’t win a single one. So I was simply given the prize that was left, which was covered by these shitty aliens.

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY. At some point I should have been given some kind of birthday handicap, because this was the worst thing that could have happened. I want to say that I put on a brave face and made some joke about it, but I was seven. So I probably threw a huge tantrum about it, but let’s try to save a little bit of my dignity and say that I handled it with grace.

This could have been the only thing that happened that day, BUT NO. I also had a pinata at my birthday party, because I’m not some kind of dork that doesn’t get a pinata. This one was shaped like a smiley face, and I loved it so much that I fully intended on keeping it after the party. I would often stare at the pinata before my birthday, imagining how good it would look in my room and how I could look at it and remember the awesome birthday party that I had.

So we do the thing with the pinata, grab the candy, and that was that. I left to do something probably super cool, like eat cake or something, and we I returned I found two of my “friends” pulling the tissue paper off the front of the pinata.

And this is why I remember this party happened on April Fools Day because when they saw that I was clearly angry with them, one of them said, “April Fools….?”

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PULL A PRANK REBECCA. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

I’ve had other shitty birthdays. On my 15th birthday, I had to spend it at a tech rehearsal for a musical because I was playing oboe in the pit band, which I didn’t even want to do and it caused me so much stress that I’m pretty sure I contracted mono and I only ate french fries and cheez-its for about two weeks. The rehearsal was something like 13 hours long, and when I called to get a ride home from my parents, no one picked up. So I had to get a ride from someone I barely knew, and when I got home, no one was there because my family had gone out to dinner without me.

I remember sitting on the living room floor and petting my dog and I whispered to him, “it’s my birthday” in the saddest, most overdramatic 15 year old voice I could manage.

There was also the time when I had been grounded because I dyed my hair pink without my parents permission, so I was walking to the library to where my mom worked and on the way a kid sped past me on his bike and flipped me off and told me to go fuck myself.

Those are probably the top three.

I used to be obsessed with my birthday, and while it was 90% a joke, it was also 10% very serious. Birthdays are fun, and people are extra nice to you, and you get to eat cake. What’s not to like, you know? I used to think that people that weren’t excited for their birthday were lying about it. It’s the best holiday of the year.

But there’s nothing worse than expecting something and not getting it, right? It hurts to be counting on something, and then missing it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about entitlement, and what people think they deserve. It’s so easy to look at what someone has and think like “they don’t deserve that but I do” and I’m starting to think that maybe it’s all bullshit.

Ugh, I want to try really hard not to sound cynical, but I don’t think anyone really deserves anything. I’m 21, and I think a lot of the time people criticize people my age by saying that we’re entitled. We think that we are owed something. And they say this comes from being given awards for participation or everyone being told that we’re special or whatever the heck these people are saying.

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essentially what my undergraduate degree says

I don’t know. I think I used to feel that way, but now I don’t. I used to think that I deserved to have people be nice to me and happy for me on my birthday, but I don’t really feel that way anymore. There is a certain kind of arrogance that I have, and I know that because I still think I’m special and I still think that I’m smart. But I don’t know if that means that I deserve anything. There are plenty of people that are special and they, like, I don’t fucking know, disappear on planes and stuff like that. I don’t think anyone really deserves that, except for fucking Rebecca who ruined my pinata over a decade a go.

You can be special and get nothing. You can be nothing and get something really special. I don’t really think there’s a trick to it. It just is what it is.

I think I used to make a huge deal about my birthday because I was scared that if I didn’t, no one would care about it and then I would get let down. But it turns out that even when I did make a big deal about it, I still got let down.

So I guess the moral of the story is to just chill out. I don’t want to take things so seriously any more, and I don’t think anyone should. Who fucking cares if someone you know has a cooler job or more twitter followers or more money or more friends? I don’t. I make myself happy. I write these stupid blogs because I want to. I go to open mics that no one cares about because I feel happy when I do.

Who cares that Rebecca ruined your pinata? You don’t need it.

Though seriously if you’re not following me on Twitter, than you’re just missing out. Like that’s more for your happiness than mine, really.

I’m not that great at making resolutions. I mean, we’re halfway through the month and I haven’t even really thought about it, But 2015 is gonna be a big year for me, I can feel it. Or at least it better be a big year cause I don’t have a lot going on right now and if it’s still like that for the entire year…….I don’t know I guess I’ll just have to reevaluate everything about who I am.

But we’re not quite there yet so LET’S DO THIS THING.

So first of all, I want to break down all my goals by month. You know, take each little piece as it comes, don’t freak out about it. Life is a pizza you just gotta shove each slice down one at a time as you slowly reach death. RIght? That’s a metaphor. I went to college.

I just want to have one thing each month that I have to accomplish, and I will prioritize those above everything else in my life. School, work, friends, family, everything. That will be easy since right now I’m about 0/4 on those. No, I have friends. Their names are Spencer, Aria, Hanna, and Emily and their television show SUCKS.

I only want to do the first six months, because I was going to do the whole 12 here and it was just getting really long and boring and overwhelming because I’m going to be 22 soon and that’s a huge deal and it was frightening me to think ahead into almost being 23. I don’t even know what 30 under 30 lists I’ll be on by that point, you know?

And uhhhhh maybe if I don’t forget about this in the next 15 mins maybe I’ll make…..blog…posts……about……each………goal????? Maybe? I don’t know. I guess we’ll see. I mean, this has been going surprisingly well so far sooooo maybe I’ve finally hit my groove as far as blogging goes. Am I a real blogger? No, I’m not. We all know that. I don’t even have a functional design.

REGARDLESS, here are the things I want to accomplish in the first six months of 2k15. Again, gonna be a HUGE YEAR FOR ME.

JANUARY!!

Okay so it’s halfway done anyway, and I’m really tempted to make this goal something I’ve already done just so I have something to maybe post on this fucking website in two weeks but yknow what I’m gonna be ambitious and give myself a goal that I haven’t accomplished yet.

This January I would really like to go through all of my socks and pair them up and get rid of ones I don’t wear anymore. This may seem like a meaningless and inconsequential goal and that I probably should pick something exciting to write about but you guys don’t know me. I have SO MANY SOCKS. Way too many, in fact. My girlfriend reading this is definitely shaking her head and is all like “she’s never going to fucking do this” because that’s how Herculean of a task this really is. It is a monumental undertaking, but something I really gotta do.

FEBRUARY ❤

The month of love!!! Fifty Shades of Grey is coming out this month and part of me really wants to see it but another part of me just wants to wait for it to be on Netflix or whatever so I can just do what I did with the eBook which is skip to just all the sex scenes. So we’ll see.

I’m going to be alone on Valentine’s Day even though as previously mentioned I am in a relationship, but she lives across the country. Bummer bummer. So to ease my loneliness of the most romantic day of the year (have I mentioned what a loner I am and how much I really do truly enjoy it – one time I went an ENTIRE DAY and then I realized I had spoken to NO ONE and I felt so relieved just at the thought of it) I’d really like to cook something that I’ve never cooked before.

I’m pretty good at cooking, and I’m not saying that in a joke way like oh I’m pretty good. I’m actually, seriously quite good at it. And it makes me feel good and accomplished and all that stuff. So idk what I’ll make, but I just wanna, yknow, try new things! Open myself up to the wonders of the world I haven’t discovered yet!! Maybe I’ll try making a frittata or something? What even is that. So much to learn. What a big year.

*~* MARCH *~*

March is always so incredibly huge for me because it’s the month of my birth, but this March I’m actually going to Los Angeles for the first time!!!! I’m so so so excited mostly because I’m finally going to see the walk of fame and see the Britney star and also probably like get discovered and be put on a whirlwind trip to fame cause it’s LA and that’s where blonde people go to make money. That’s my understanding of Los Angeles. That and In-N-Out.

I feel like I need to have a showbiz oriented goal, and I really really really want to write a TV pilot, so maybe I should say that I’ll have it done by the end of March….? Ugh I’m so hesitant to set this goal because I really don’t want to fail it but like reach for the moon right? Maybe?

APRIL

As we get further and further into the year, it becomes less clear what these months of my life are going to look like. Which is scary and exciting in that way that we’ve all felt ever since we became conscious of the construct of time and the passing of it. Like who am I even going to be in April 2015? Will I have gotten a haircut by then? Hopefully, because I got my haircut in April of last year.

One thing I’ve really always wanted to do is make a sort of little physical construction of my blog. I’ve been blogging in some form or another since I was 14 years old and I want to make something that’s kind of a cross between a magazine and a diary and a blog. I want to make something and be able to hold it and touch it and show it to people. Like a physical LiveJournal that I draw and write and make myself.

Ugh why are these goals so cheesy and genuine I hate this I feel like I wanna crawl out of my skin and slither back into my weird “everything is a joke” skin like some kind of shitty snake.

MAY

Ugh what else do I even want to do? Hahah is it sad that I can’t even think of anything else I want to accomplish? Like there are other things I want to do but it’s a little bit out of my control and I really don’t want to set myself up for too much failure you know?

Five months is a long time guys. You know what? I just want to go to Taco Bell this month. It’s been so long and I’m never going to do it unless I give myself a real deadline. So there it is.

look at that fake meat <3333

Though frankly I’m setting this goal at a time when I am starving to death and the only thing I can afford to eat is rice and pasta and I feel like I’m probably going to die.

JUNE

FINALLy here we are, halfway through the year. It’ll be warm and I won’t be tan, but at least I’ll probably be a bit less afraid to leave my apartment than I was last June.

Oh my gosh the one thing I’ve always really wanted to do is stretch every day and be more flexible! Yeah! That’s a goal!

That’s probably the most boring thing I could have ever wanted to do, but it’s so true. Every day I’m like “ugh if only I could just bend my body into more than 2 shapes (at the most). I feel like I would just feel so much better. Maddie from Dance Moms seems pretty happy about it.

THERE YOU GO so was the most boring thing you’ve ever read or the second most boring thing you’ve ever read? Hard to say, right? I’M SORRY but just indulge me for a hot second you guys I’ve had a lot of my mind, like my insane craving for popcorn that I can’t ever satisfy.

Help me.

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Guys I love taking walks. There’s just something about walking that is just so great. The only frustrating part about walking is that every time I try to get something to represent my hobby of walking, like if I wanted to get a charm that’s a pair of sneakers for my charm bracelet, people assume that I like running, and that cannot be further from the truth. I’m really self-conscious about the way I run, because a lot of people used to tell me that I look really weird when I run. Like, not the other students, but the teachers. They’d be like “Laura what are you doing stop messing around” and I had to be like no this is just what my body looks like!!!

But I love a good walk. Sometimes when I go out for a walk, I mean to just do a short casual walk, and I end up walking four miles. That’s how much I love walking. Even in the winter time, where I’m threatened with death because of my cold allergy, I still go out and do a bit of walking. It’s so nice to just look like you’re going somewhere, even when you’re not (metaphorically and physically).

So that brings me to one of the moments in which I almost caused the death of a man because it started out as any other lonely walk through Boston. I had taken many of them, and I think I will continue to because they’re just really nice (see above paragraphs)!

So I was walking. Did I set up the fact that I was walking enough? It was a pleasant walk! I was minding my own business, just taking a walk.

me, minus the family and the racial ambiguity.

There are a lot of bikers where I live. At the time, it was really nice outside and we weren’t living in the frozen ice tundra that grips the city of Boston 9 months out of the year, and it was great and everyone was having a grand time.

But where I was walking didn’t have a bike lane, so that means that sometimes bikers are on the sidewalk, which doesn’t bother me so much cause, like, I don’t want anyone to die. Not really. And especially not bikers. I feel like they’re usually pretty okay people. I have yet to meet a biker that I didn’t like, you know? I’m a fan of socially conscious and fit people.

So I was walking and a man on a bike comes up behind me and as a courtesy to me says, “on your left ma’am” and I immediately turn around and shriek in fear at his face.

I don’t know why this scared me so much. Perhaps I have some kind of subconscious fear of bikes that psychoanalysis has yet to uncover. Maybe I’m simply overly paranoid in public because society teaches women to be constantly watching for threats on our life. Maybe it was because he called me “ma’am.” EITHER WAY it was the wrong reaction to have and so this man was also very shocked.

He jumped in fear which cause him to fall off of his bike in this narrow sidewalk, and then tumbled into the street WHERE CARS TYPICALLY ARE. Thankfully, there weren’t any this time, but what if there were? Would I have jumped out to save this man I didn’t even know? Probably, I am very brave. I think about this like once every 3 months or so.

But instead he just got up, ignored me apologizing profusely and falling over myself feeling really bad for making him fall off of his bike and just pedaled away. Which I respect, because he doesn’t owe me anything.

The creepiest part is that I saw in the paper that this man did die only 2 days later in a freak accident at an Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Shop.

that halo is over more than just pretzels now

I’m kidding I have no idea what happened to this guy but that’d be really strange but kinda cool right?

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I have a had a strange day you guys. Here are some of my thoughts for today.

I was out and about town, as a woman does, and I was sexually harassed on the street NOT TO BRAG or anything, and ever since I’ve been wondering how many layers do I need to wear to just become invisible to the male gender entirely.

I HATE CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE.

What’s the most common time of day to get murdered? Like when do the majority of murders occur? Is it actually nighttime because I used to have to walk to work at about 4:30 in the morning and I was never murdered and that seems seriously like it would be the prime time to get murdered.

If all the murderers are awake at night though, when do they all sleep?

Does this have anything to do with vampires?

I’ve been tracking my menstrual (took my 5 tries to spell this right but WE GOT THERE) cycle with an app on my phone cause we live in a post-feminist world and technology is developed to fit my needs and I got an alert today that my “cycle is about to begin” and I have literally never felt more afraid in my life. I know you’re supposed to track it exactly so you get a little heads up for when you’re going to bleed everywhere for a few days, but holy shit now I’m just paranoid. I feel like a hit has been taken out on me and I’m just waiting for it.

But the assassin is inside of me.

If I could trade places with anyone it would be Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms and the Sia music videos because who the fuck else am I gonna be?

I feel so weird today because I took a nap which was a horrible mistake and I regret it so much because I only saw the sun for a couple hours 😦

But I get so cold that I just want to not be shaking for a couple hours so I get in bed and then I just fall asleep.

I take so many showers because I’m like “please dear god just let me not be chilled to the fucking bone for 20 minutes please help me”

Alright that’s it for today tomorrow will be better I promise do me a favor and click around for a while and make feel like someone would notice if I died.

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1. Yes to Tomatoes face wipes yestomatoes HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS this stuff is pretty great. Now I’m not lying when I say that my skin is usually pretty okay with minimal upkeep. I have been blessed with a natural gorgeous body, hair, and skin, but sometimes shit would go down. Especially chin acne up the wazoo. It sucked and I hated it. BUT NOW I HAVE THESE!! I’ve tried face wipes/make up remover wipes before but they were always so fucking harsh on my skin!!! I might as well have been rubbing fucking sandpaper on my face. It was horrible and it hurt so bad always. These guys are so super gentle and they’re even fine for your eyes (yOUR EYES!!!) so you can get eyeliner off and it’s just generally the bomb. Frankly, my skin has never looked fucking better and I feel like I owe a lot to the tomato now. Which is also a great fruit and probably my favorite fruit of ALL TIME. 2. St. Ives Body Wash standingstives ANOTHER GREAT PRODUCT TO WASH YOURSELF WITH I fucking love to exfoliate – it makes my skin feel like 700 thread count sheets. It is incredible. But sometimes exfoliators are so fucking rough and make me want to die. Enter this stuff!!!! It exfoliates, but it’s gentle enough to use every day!!!! Amazing. Life is incredible. This makes showering feel like I’m really scrubbing off all the shit off of my body and it feels great. 3. My next December favorite was just the general dread and malaise that comes with graduating college and the holiday season and just being completely dead inside. sadness_by_s1yk I HATE WINTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT SADNESS IS MY FAVORITE FEELING!!!!!!!!! 4. Break Free by Ariana Grande ArianaGrande_BreakFree How late am I on this song? I don’t care. It’s incredible. Ariana Grande is slowly growing on me, and if they make a music video for the Nicki Minaj song she features on, Get on Your Knees, I may just die. Her voice used to annoy me, but this song makes me wanna be like “yeah I am BREAKING FREE!” ps “I only wanna die alive” is a great tattoo to get on your underboob. 5. Cooking Fever cookingfever Nothing has made me feel like a capitalistic greed machine than Cooking Fever. It’s a game for your iPhone that turns simple people in to chefs and those chefs into monsters. I’m at a point in the game where you can only advance by upgrading items with gems, but they won’t give me gems until I level up. This vaguely Asian woman taunts me EVERY DAY and doles out meager daily rewards of two gems, and then makes me pay 15 (FIFTEEN) gems to upgrade a goddamn soup pot. This game has wasted so much of my time but it also has the added benefit of helping me avoid thinking about my inevitable death. 6. Serial serial-social-logo Murder! Mystery! Kinda some racism! Serial has it all! Everyone else was obsessed with Serial, so I got obsessed with Serial too. For the record, I pretty much agree with every single criticism that’s been made about this show, but I still fucking loved it. This is recommended for people who still have some faith in the world because this will crush all of that immediately. 7. My Bachelors Degree istock_000015935079small Man, applying to part time jobs and telling them I have completed a bachelors degree feels GREAT!! What were some of your favorites last month gang?? How did you keep yourself from thinking life’s big questions and then being overwhelmed by them and crying yourself to sleep? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS! <33