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dreams and aspirations

Katy Perry recently announced that her special guest during her Super Bowl half time performance is female and a “throwback” which means that people are daring to suggest that it could possibly be Britney Spears. The fact that a 33 year old who continues to sell out Las Vegas theaters and is still recording music could possibly be a “throwback” just shows how prejudiced this society is toward women older than 30, but whatever. Even the possibility that Britney Bitch MAY make an appearance during this performance is enough to send me into a shaking cold sweat because there is literally no performer like Britney Spears okay I can’t get into this right now it’s NOT THE POINT.

This suggestion got me thinking about my dream Super Bowl performers. Who is the perfect duo to break up the monotony of sports and the glamorization of violence? Whose performance could be good enough to look past the fact that they are catering to the male gaze???

We can start with the obvious: Madonna and Britney Spears.

never forget

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE??? The fact that the two of them have never performed Me Against the Music together live is a fucking tragedy on par with the epidemic of eating disorders that they also kind of caused in this country a little bit. Britney and Madonna both reached the pinnacle of pop, and literally I don’t think anyone even compares. I honestly think this hasn’t happened because people are scared of it. The last time they were together on TV, they created a pop culture moment that lives on FOREVER. THINK OF WHAT THEY COULD DO IF THEY LOST THE DEAD WEIGHT OF CHRISTINA?????

This would be a mostly Britney show, but I would also love to see Britney and Madonna do a sassy “Material Girl” together or perhaps even a rousing rendition of “Express Yourself.”

Special appearances by Charli XCX (imagine them singing Boys TOGETHER???) and maybe like Miley?? I could get down with that.

If that ends up being too much for the world, I would be willing to settle for a Taylor Swift/One Direction performance.

I know they just broke up but it feels like my entire world is broken up as well

I’m kind of okay with Taylor Swift and Harry Styles not being together any more just because I think Taylor is, you know, living her truth as an independent single woman and I like the rumors that she’s dating all her super model friends BUT IMAGINE THEM ON STAGE TOGETHER??? AHHHHHHHH. It would be incredible. I don’t even know how this would even work, but maybe like Taylor headlines and they just appear for a couple of songs and Harry eats a banana on stage or something??

Also Tay’s BFF’s HAIM are there and Little Mix should come too because they’re amazing.

LASTLY, and I’m aware this could never happen because for some reason people who watch the Super Bowl probably don’t know these names at all, but CARLY RAE JEPSEN AND CHER LLOYD TOGETHER PLEASE.

I have been dying for this combo for AGES. I love both of them dearly and they need to combine their star power and take over the world with the bubblegum pop that this country DESERVES. I realize I’m using a lot of all caps in this post but there is nothing I feel more strongly about than the careers of both Carly Rae and Cher Lloyd.

And while we’re at it, let’s just feature another group that needs to be heard by everyone:

DANITY KANE.

Okay, so you know how much you guys love “Bang Bang???” Just imagine a group who only sings songs like that. That’s Danity Kane. They are incredible. I don’t care that one of them punched another one in the head and they broke up. We don’t talk about it. They will be back and it will be at the Super Bowl half time show when I am the ruler of the universe and my word is law.

wait omg Imagine them performing with FIFTH HARMONy oh my god I need to stop right here.

Why do I not run everything? People don’t think they want this entertainment, but you actually do. HAVE AN OPEN MIND AND ACCEPT TRASHY POP INTO YOUR LIFE.

This got out of hand quickly. I just feel really strongly about this.

Shout out to the producers of the Super Bowl Halftime show, because I have A LOT of ideas to revolutionize this show.

Or honestly just play a twenty minute Pepsi ad there, it’ll probably have the same exact effect.

THIS issssssss Jeopardy. Let’s meet our contestants.

contestants A professor of biochemistry from Fargo, North Dakota, Trish Nosenblattstein. The dude who discovered something really important and is kind of a genius from Corpus Christie, Texas, Jim Jimmerson. And our returning champion, a blogger and former barista from Maryland (not the nice part), Laura Dean! Whose four day, cash winnings total $22. AND NOW here is the HOST of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek!! “Thank you Johnny. Hello and welcome, we are so excited to bring you a game from two incredibly talented players, and one who seems to just get kind of lucky. We’re investigating it now, but…the show must go on! I didn’t survive 3 heart attacks just to not host Jeopardy, you know? The Jeopardy round is first, and here are the categories.” everyone LD has ever hated olive garden rent vmas matt-card-jeopardy-550px Notice the guacamole in quotation marks. and finally, goats

“Where members of our very own Clue Crew have gone out to meet these celebrity goats, and present them with your clues. Is this serious? Like I’m being pranked, right? This is ridiculous. Alright, well, Laura, let’s get this over with.”

laura

“I’ll take The Olive Garden Menu for $200 Alex.”

“Of course you will. These three meals appear in smaller versions on the plate when you order Olive Garden’s Tour of Italy.”

“Laura.”

laura

“What are lasagna, chicken parmesan, and fettuccine alfredo.”

“Correct.”

laura

“Olive Garden for $400.”

“These two seafoods appear on a plate of seafood Alfredo.”

“Trish!! Thank Christ.”

trish

“What is shrimp and scallops.”

“Yes you perfect angel.”

trish

“Uh, let’s go with History of the Video Music Awards for $200?”

“This star wore an impeccable light blue onesie with random letters on it on the red carpet at last year’s VMAs.”

“Laura.”

laura

“Who is T Swizzle.”

“Yes, we also would have accepted her real name, which is Taylor Swift. Back to you, Laura.”

laura

“Everyone Laura Dean has every hated for $600.”

“This person dared to ring in before Laura and answer a question about the Olive Garden menu just now.”

“Trish.”

trish

“Is it…Who is me?”

“No…? Laura?”

laura

“Who is Trish Nosenblattstein?”

“That is correct. Okay, this is ridiculous, are you writing the questions as we go? Like what is going on here? I need a break. Whatever. Just put on some Aleve commercials for the invalids who are still watching this, dear Christ.”

“Let’s meet the people who get to go home and live their lives, while I’m stuck here, repeating the same things over and over again like I live in Groundhog’s Day. Trish, it says here that you have a collection of poisonous frogs in your basement.”

trish

“Yes, and I design wigs for them, depending on how they remind me of various ex-boyfriends. Like for instance, I have a blue one that really reminds me of this guy I dated, haha, it’s kind of a funny story actually, one time we went to Chuck E. Cheese, well, no, went to Chuck E. Cheese alone and -“

“Alright, gonna stop you right there. This is just getting more and more fucked up, Trish. I don’t want to hear anymore of this.”

“Jim Jimmerson, you’ve been pretty quiet this whole game, but I’m ready to hear your story. Now I heard that you have a really interesting story about how you met Judith Butler.”

jim

“Oh man, wow, yeah, funny that you bring that up-“

“You wrote it on this card.”

jim

“Yeah well, I was just walking through my local dog shelter. I’ve always wanted a yorkie and there she was! My Judith Butler!!”

“What the heck is wrong with you people. Doesn’t anyone want to be on this show anymore? Have we seriously gone through everyone already? I’m not that old you guys.”

laura

“Alright Alex, c’mere. It’s me time. This is why I do this.”

“Okay, Laura. You have an fascinating story about a rather odd instrument.”

laura

“Yeah, I’ll get to that. But first I just want to send a message to these two over here. Yeah. If you’re gonna try to fuck with this, you might as well leave now. Mr. Jimmerson, you’ve got the right idea, just keep your mouth shut. Trish, I’m a four day fucking champ, you really think you can unseat me? You can go ahead and try but I’m gonna take all your dignity with me you piece of shit. Anyway, yeah, the whole story is pretty much like I was a loser and I played oboe in high school for some dumb reason. LET’S GO.”

“Alright, whatever. We’re just gonna skip right to double jeopardy because I could not really honestly care less. Just make Wheel of Fortune longer, I’m sure that cam whore Pat Sajak will cum in his pants just thinking about it. Let’s take a look at these next categories.”

geography physics sports taxes twin peaks xtina

“Ha! Finally. Okay. Trish, you’re in the negatives, so you get to choose first.”

trish

“Alright, let’s try….Literally Anything About Sports for $400.”

“This was the halftime show that Britney Spears had a performance with Aerosmith and *NSYNC.”

“Are you seriously fucking kidding me. Yes, Laura.”

laura

“What is Superbowl 35 in 2001.”

“Are all these questions just about Britney Spears somehow? Are they? Judges, just tell me. I’m done messing around, I’m done pretending, let’s go. They are? Even the taxes one? Especially the taxes one? Okay, we’re skipping to final Jeopardy. I’m done. Let’s see the category. Don’t even bother making wagers, none of you have any money anyway, alright, let’s see.”

emoji

“I’m not gonna bother. Laura, congratulations, you are now a five day champion.”

laura

“Alex!!! I won like a thousand dollars this time!”

“No you didn’t. This is making a mockery of Jeopardy. I’ll give you ten bucks.”

laura

“Sounds good.”

“Whoever you are, please do not tune in next time. This show is like a dog that can’t walk up stairs anymore. Let’s put it out of its misery. Why let it suffer anymore?”

Every time I hear a white person my age describe an “internship” as “slavery” I want to kill myself. Yeah, the system is flawed but, like, I don’t think getting someone’s coffee is on par with being enslaved. If I had a choice between being an unpaid intern or a literal slave, I’d probably go with the first one. Manual labor does not look as good on a resume!!

1. Intern on The Bachelorette

I’ve seen about four seconds of The Bachelor(ette) and as far as I can understand, it’s not particularly for me. I’ve been in a pretty serious relationship (serious, as in, we only have sex wearing business suits, if you don’t understand then I guess you have commitment issues or something) for nearly three years now and the idea of getting engaged makes me want to slowly perish in a fire a la the Baudelaire parents.

Just doesn’t seem that great of a system, to be honest.

HOWEVER as far as I understand this television show, it involves quite a bit of adventure. I already would like to be a reality show contestant because those people have more fame than they know what to do with!!! Remember that evil lady from The Apprentice? She was great. I’ve never seen that show either. The point is, I think I would be absolutely great at coming up with shit for these people to do. As I said before, I am in a relationship that’s almost three years old. I know how to bring two people together. Namely, myself and someone else. But there are so many things that two people who are going to get engaged should do before getting engaged.

FOR EXAMPLE:

  • Play Mario Kart together. Such a fun way to get to know the person you might want to be around forever until you divorce them. One time, my girlfriend told me she was going to “fuck my dog” while we were playing!
  • A Fifth Harmony concert!
  • Drive around in a convertible, top down, playing a CD I made for them. (The CD is Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” 38 times)
  • One teaches the other to iron something!
  • Have a serious conversation about one of you getting bangs!
  • Go to the movies and then one of you sees a mouse and then have a heated argument about whether or not you should move seats and the theater is getting pretty crowded!
  • Go to a rose garden and then at the end of the episode when the person has to hand out roses, they all get confused because some of them stole some roses from the rose garden and they all get mixed up so they have to start the show all over again!

This would be AMAZING television!!! Internship, more like, head of adventure planning for all people in relationships ever!

2. Kim Kardashian app tester

So I can let her know that the fucking swim suit photo shoot takes too fucking long!! And you can’t even buy a swim suit to wear for it!!!!!!!!

3. App tester

I have a great metabolism, and I love small plates.

4. M&M’s factory intern

First of all, Hershey Park is amazing. Second of all, I don’t know if y’all have tried the birthday cake M&M’s but those things are rad as hell. I would really love to be a part of a company that’s really dedicated to pushing the envelope. Again, so many ideas. Why stop at birthday cake? Red velvet cake. Caramel. Something with rainbow sprinkles. Burger King is putting the Whopper in rainbow colored trash we gotta jump on that bandwagon guys.

5. Writer’s Assistant on House Hunters

I’ve been watching the show for years, I’ve got the formula down pat, and I know all your secrets you Illuminati CIA spy blackhawk down NSA people!! What? Don’t get me all mixed up. All I know is that your show is a lie and I’m gonna crack you all wide fucking open so WAKE UP.

If anyone could get me in contact with the heads of people in question in this post, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and goodnight.

 

When I was younger there were two jobs that I was obsessed with having and those were a ballerina and a teacher. The ballerina dream died pretty early because I refused to sit still or pay attention in ballet class (although I did get this sweet bright purple leotard out of it and I loved it), and I’m pretty sure I only wanted to be a teacher because we had a chalkboard in our basement at the time and I liked writing with chalk. I let go of that dream when I realized that I hated everyone, especially dumb kids and their parents.

So we’re back at square one. Technically right now I’m a professional blogger, which is not something to brag about to the long lost half cousins that I will inevitably run into one day (this isn’t a joke, I actually have long lost half cousins somewhere in the world, somehow that makes this funnier) and it’s not really something I want to keep as an official job for very long after my early twenties. It seems like a very “early-twenties” kind of job option.

Therefore I have to establish a few goals for the future, and I’ve been able to establish the following career options to pursue:

1: Professional Blackmailer

I was explaining this plan to my mother a few days ago. Since I got my iPhone it has been a mission of mine to catch a Senator, or frankly any kind of powerful person, doing something horribly and and outrageously scandalous (sex, drugs, being a giant homo, etc.), snap a photo of it, and slyly use it to blackmail him for the rest of my career.

Mom was not convinced.

“Why would a Senator be anywhere near you at any point?” She asked me.

This is exactly why I would make a perfect candidate. My mom’s suggestion that I don’t normally frequent places that are Sentaorially classy aside, I am able to worm my way into the most dangerous parts of society (college parties, college dorm rooms, lesbian bars when I turn 21), this puts me right in position. Part of my advantage is that no one expects the small town tiny blonde girl to take a photo of you and BAM blackmail you into giving her a penthouse apartment in New York City.

But unfortunately this means I have to memorize each face of every Senator of the United States, plus every other powerful person and that really takes time away from my current day job. If only I were a professional political blogger, then I’d be set. No, I’m more likely to recognize an actor from Teen Wolf than most political figures. So that kind of sets me at a disadvantage.

This job also requires a bit of luck, which I will admit to having on certain occasions, but I lose more cake walks than I win. And also it’s not like I could ever admit to having this job because obviously the secret would be out and that’s just shoddy blackmail work.

So, if you ever meet me in the future and I’m a rich bitch who occupies herself with several different hobbies, I’m definitely NOT blackmailing anyone.

2: Author of the Below the Beltway column in the Washington Post Magazine

So this one is oddly specific in a gross “oh, well I read it the Washington Post Magazine” kind of way so I know you’re already turned off but it does have the word “author” in it, which you have to admit is a way more likely career for me than “blackmailer” so you’re hoping that I might not be completely ridiculous.

I have a longstanding theory that the only people who read this column are me, my mom, and old people in the DC area. I honestly don’t know a single other person in the world who reads this as religiously as I do, and even if you were friends with me you wouldn’t know that I read it. When I’m home I immediately flip to the back of the magazine and read it in print no less, which is probably the most archaic activity I still engage in. But when I’m in college I have to read it online and get barraged by ads begging me to subscribe and I’m like “I can’t! I’m poor! I’m sorry you poor bastards with print media companies!”

This is the column Dave Barry used to write, and I know that also a lot of people my age won’t know who Dave Barry is but he’s funny (sometimes to some people not really to me but he’s known for being a funny guy so Google it and make your own judgements) and right now it’s written by Gene Weingarten who is best known for writing that article about that professional violinist who played in the DC Metro and no one stopped because we’re uncultured swine who can’t recognize talent. It’s a pretty good article (it won a Pulitzer so don’t just take it from me) and I honestly find Gene Weingarten hilarious most of the time, and reading this column has been one of the best parts of my week for years.

That said. And trust me I hate to say this but writing is a cutthroat business but…the guys gettin’ old.

And I’m just what the magazine business needs! A new, fresh, young voice who has never held a job that pays above minimum wage! I’m one of those dickish “millennials” that old people have been up in arms about lately, so obviously I am The Future. And I know what Twitter and Instagram is so if they weren’t incontinent before turning 75 they sure will be when they meet me. And I’m a white girl writing about being a white girl so the amount of media scrutiny I get will be on par with every other famous white girl and it’ll bring new life the The Washington Post Magazine!

I’m pretty much planning to copy and paste all of this into my cover letter when I apply next week.

3: Disney Princess

And this is the one that no one understands. I’ll admit to not even fully understanding it myself, honestly. But there’s something about that gorgeous sparkle on the light blue of Cinderella’s dress that just makes me want to parade down the street in one of the most popular attractions on Earth and get adoringly waved at by millions of strangers.

It just probably demonstrates how far the dark, evil claws of the Disney Corporation have sunk into my heart, but I’ve stopped trying to overanalyze. That’s a lie, I’m constantly wondering why I tear up when I watch videos of small children joyously run into the arms of a giant Minnie Mouse. I don’t understand it. Some nostalgia core deep within my circuitry gets manipulated and I turn into a gigantic mass of sentimental mush.

Which obviously makes this the most ideal career for me. I’m already highly emotional at a dangerous level, so being surrounded by constant reminders of my dwindling youth won’t hurt me or damage me at all.

Honestly, we all just want to dress up like princess and get cute photos of us taken by strangers. That’s all I really want. Those girls probably have, like, millions of great options for Facebook profile pictures.

There are so many other jobs that I want that I am so wildly unqualified or unfit to do. All the blog posts I’ve read about blogging say that you have to ask your readers a question to engage them so they comment! Obviously I’m doing the job of “blogger” pretty damn well. SO what are your dream jobs?? This is something I know I’m never going to shut up about so please give me more material to bore people at parties with.