how to talk to girls!

HEY!!! I now blog at ughitslaura.com!!! Go over there if you like this and wanna read more. <333

As a woman, I sometimes get approached by men who obviously just want to talk to a girl for a little bit, but they don’t know how to do it! They’re at a loss for words, or they opt for staring at me weirdly. No one wants to be a wallflower. Take some control over your life!

To help you guys out, I have come up with five strategies to help you talk to women. Whether you just want to be friendly or even something more, these tips will certainly help you get your foot in the door.

strategy #1: be a dog.

preferably one wearing tiny argyle socks, like the one seen below.

tumblr_mhzrrgjWRY1rxhvabo1_500

strategy #2: be a writer.

“hmm is Laura radiant or gorgeous, let me check my notes. oh yes of course she is both.”

Think about writing a short story where you simply write what you would say to me. Or perhaps a short film or something. Make me represent cultural excess or something, because I’m blonde so my hair is a symbol for gold or capitalism. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas. But it’s your story! What we do is up to you, but the key here is to stay far, far away from me in real life. Have fun with it!

strategy #3: spend money on me.

I will only look at you if I am peeking out of a pile of money, much like this woman is.

Did you know it’s actually illegal to call me “cute” without buying me anything? Luckily I’m already tied up in several lawsuits regarding this, so legal action won’t be taken for quite some time, but if you’re going to interact with me, I suggest your purchase some kind of good to give to me in return. Whether this be a drink or a snack or perhaps even a burrito or two, it’s up to you, but do know that the length of time I feel like I’ll be obligated to give you is highly dependent on the price of whatever’s given to me.

And if you’re thinking, but what if she’s gay?? then you don’t exist because there does not exist a man out there who even considers the possibility that the girl he is into might possibly not be into him. Shrug!! Either way, I may be gay, but when it comes to people buying things for me, I find that labels are less relevant to me.

J Lo says that love don’t cost a thing, and while she’s right, forced convos actually cost quite a lot for me. Please be respectful.

strategy #4: don’t.

or maybe just don’t? maybe just leave me alone? I know you’ve seen a thousand meet-cutes where the strapping dude saunters up to the girl and whatever else, but this ain’t a movie!!! Try tinder, I hear it’s great for single people!!

Try to imagine a world where you don’t get to choose what conversations you have with people, and instead other people choose for you. Wouldn’t that be quite the dystopia for you???

strategy #5: try being a different dog?

like, idk, this one maybe?

tumblr_n0lo72cUuX1qdlh1io1_400Whatever strategy you try, I’m sure you’ll get some kind of result because life continues to move on because that’s how time and space works.

Good luck!

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