My Jeopardy Spec Script

THIS issssssss Jeopardy. Let’s meet our contestants.

contestants A professor of biochemistry from Fargo, North Dakota, Trish Nosenblattstein. The dude who discovered something really important and is kind of a genius from Corpus Christie, Texas, Jim Jimmerson. And our returning champion, a blogger and former barista from Maryland (not the nice part), Laura Dean! Whose four day, cash winnings total $22. AND NOW here is the HOST of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek!! “Thank you Johnny. Hello and welcome, we are so excited to bring you a game from two incredibly talented players, and one who seems to just get kind of lucky. We’re investigating it now, but…the show must go on! I didn’t survive 3 heart attacks just to not host Jeopardy, you know? The Jeopardy round is first, and here are the categories.” everyone LD has ever hated olive garden rent vmas matt-card-jeopardy-550px Notice the guacamole in quotation marks. and finally, goats

“Where members of our very own Clue Crew have gone out to meet these celebrity goats, and present them with your clues. Is this serious? Like I’m being pranked, right? This is ridiculous. Alright, well, Laura, let’s get this over with.”

laura

“I’ll take The Olive Garden Menu for $200 Alex.”

“Of course you will. These three meals appear in smaller versions on the plate when you order Olive Garden’s Tour of Italy.”

“Laura.”

laura

“What are lasagna, chicken parmesan, and fettuccine alfredo.”

“Correct.”

laura

“Olive Garden for $400.”

“These two seafoods appear on a plate of seafood Alfredo.”

“Trish!! Thank Christ.”

trish

“What is shrimp and scallops.”

“Yes you perfect angel.”

trish

“Uh, let’s go with History of the Video Music Awards for $200?”

“This star wore an impeccable light blue onesie with random letters on it on the red carpet at last year’s VMAs.”

“Laura.”

laura

“Who is T Swizzle.”

“Yes, we also would have accepted her real name, which is Taylor Swift. Back to you, Laura.”

laura

“Everyone Laura Dean has every hated for $600.”

“This person dared to ring in before Laura and answer a question about the Olive Garden menu just now.”

“Trish.”

trish

“Is it…Who is me?”

“No…? Laura?”

laura

“Who is Trish Nosenblattstein?”

“That is correct. Okay, this is ridiculous, are you writing the questions as we go? Like what is going on here? I need a break. Whatever. Just put on some Aleve commercials for the invalids who are still watching this, dear Christ.”

“Let’s meet the people who get to go home and live their lives, while I’m stuck here, repeating the same things over and over again like I live in Groundhog’s Day. Trish, it says here that you have a collection of poisonous frogs in your basement.”

trish

“Yes, and I design wigs for them, depending on how they remind me of various ex-boyfriends. Like for instance, I have a blue one that really reminds me of this guy I dated, haha, it’s kind of a funny story actually, one time we went to Chuck E. Cheese, well, no, went to Chuck E. Cheese alone and -“

“Alright, gonna stop you right there. This is just getting more and more fucked up, Trish. I don’t want to hear anymore of this.”

“Jim Jimmerson, you’ve been pretty quiet this whole game, but I’m ready to hear your story. Now I heard that you have a really interesting story about how you met Judith Butler.”

jim

“Oh man, wow, yeah, funny that you bring that up-“

“You wrote it on this card.”

jim

“Yeah well, I was just walking through my local dog shelter. I’ve always wanted a yorkie and there she was! My Judith Butler!!”

“What the heck is wrong with you people. Doesn’t anyone want to be on this show anymore? Have we seriously gone through everyone already? I’m not that old you guys.”

laura

“Alright Alex, c’mere. It’s me time. This is why I do this.”

“Okay, Laura. You have an fascinating story about a rather odd instrument.”

laura

“Yeah, I’ll get to that. But first I just want to send a message to these two over here. Yeah. If you’re gonna try to fuck with this, you might as well leave now. Mr. Jimmerson, you’ve got the right idea, just keep your mouth shut. Trish, I’m a four day fucking champ, you really think you can unseat me? You can go ahead and try but I’m gonna take all your dignity with me you piece of shit. Anyway, yeah, the whole story is pretty much like I was a loser and I played oboe in high school for some dumb reason. LET’S GO.”

“Alright, whatever. We’re just gonna skip right to double jeopardy because I could not really honestly care less. Just make Wheel of Fortune longer, I’m sure that cam whore Pat Sajak will cum in his pants just thinking about it. Let’s take a look at these next categories.”

geography physics sports taxes twin peaks xtina

“Ha! Finally. Okay. Trish, you’re in the negatives, so you get to choose first.”

trish

“Alright, let’s try….Literally Anything About Sports for $400.”

“This was the halftime show that Britney Spears had a performance with Aerosmith and *NSYNC.”

“Are you seriously fucking kidding me. Yes, Laura.”

laura

“What is Superbowl 35 in 2001.”

“Are all these questions just about Britney Spears somehow? Are they? Judges, just tell me. I’m done messing around, I’m done pretending, let’s go. They are? Even the taxes one? Especially the taxes one? Okay, we’re skipping to final Jeopardy. I’m done. Let’s see the category. Don’t even bother making wagers, none of you have any money anyway, alright, let’s see.”

emoji

“I’m not gonna bother. Laura, congratulations, you are now a five day champion.”

laura

“Alex!!! I won like a thousand dollars this time!”

“No you didn’t. This is making a mockery of Jeopardy. I’ll give you ten bucks.”

laura

“Sounds good.”

“Whoever you are, please do not tune in next time. This show is like a dog that can’t walk up stairs anymore. Let’s put it out of its misery. Why let it suffer anymore?”

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