u wanna “hot” body? u better eat like shit, bitch.

Once upon a time I worked at al cute little sandwich shop. I actually have worked at two different sandwich shops, buuuuuut this isn’t supposed to be about my dignity.

At this sandwich shop, I was asked frequently by people “how I stay so thin.” The conversation would typically occur in the following way:

Me: Hey, what would you like today?

Them: WELL do YOU eat here? What do eat to stay so thin????

The real answer is actually that I just maintain an incredibly complicated relationship with my body and food, as I am an American woman with a body. Did I have an eating disorder? Well, for many of us, that’s a shaky question to answer. Does starving yourself all day and then eating half a bag of Doritos in thirty minutes and then sobbing from even the possibility of gaining weight sound disordered? I guess, but at 15, it was just the thing to do.

Now, at 21, I’m sometimes a little weirded out at how thin I am, but my unhealthy habits are reinforced by people cooing over my boney frame. Thanks guys!

If you don’t know what I look like, I’ll give you this anecdote. One time, I was looking at my own naked body, trying to figure out what my body reminded me of. And then I realized that I was thinking of the pre-teen girl in the Sia music videos, except my tits are way smaller I think.

How that’s for a visceral image? So ladies and gentlemen, how do I maintain this desirable figure?

Generally my strategy is to shove as much horrible crap into my body, and then just hope my metabolism takes care of it.

SOGGY MICROWAVED CHICKEN PATTY ON COLD, SLIGHTLY STALE WHOLE WHEAT BUN

Frozen chicken patties are staple of any good roommate’s diet. This means, you don’t have to buy them yourself, given that one of your roommates will buy a package large enough so that when you take one, they won’t notice. If not, then I guess you’re taking a risk and banking on the fact that women have taught to never be confrontational and to keep their mouths shut. I’d say it’s a pretty solid thing to bank on, but good luck dealing with whatever moral quandary you may be in afterwards.

It’s nice to substitute a white bun for whole wheat, because that’s more nutritious I think? Or just eat whatever kind of bread is within reach. You can never have too many carbs, is what I say.

A frozen chicken patty takes a minute and a half in the microwave. Afterwards, it will be sitting in a pool of it’s own grease and skin. For an added touch of pathetic, take a napkin and pat the chicken patty dry before placing it on your bun. Not only will you feel sad, you’ll get to feel the texture and consistency of what you’re about to put into your body.

All that’s left is to consume and hope it doesn’t completely kill you.

KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE W/OUT MILK

This is a great option for anyone thinking about cutting back their dairy!

So, say you took a shower at 4:30 PM, and shortly afterwards, it’s dinner time. You feel kinda shitty for not waking up until after 1 in the afternoon, but what can you really do at this point. You decide to brighten things up with a nice bowl of Kraft mac and cheese.

Now, the key to this recipe is that you’re alone, and you can’t eat an entire box of mac and cheese by yourself, so you make half the box. This is a technique that takes little to no precision, as the power that comes with this brand of mac and cheese turns into a toxic paste, no matter how much you end up putting in.

Boil the water, cook the noodles, add the butter, and the cheese powder.

This is when it hits you – the only milk in your apartment is vanilla flavored almond milk. FUCK. Your hair is wet, which means you can’t go outside in this 25 degree weather because it’ll freeze. And you already cooked it. There’s no where else to really go with this.

So you eat it anyway. You reign in that gag reflex, and you go for it. Do you have a better option bitch?

LEFTOVER RICE

Now this one is a real treat. First of all, a couple of days before, you’re gonna need to cook some white rice. Next, shove the extra into a plastic container and sit it in your fridge for however long you decide. I recommend as long as possible, maybe three days, just to let all of the original flavor completely disappear and for the rice to turn into a nice, gravelly texture.

And you want the color and look of it to be so horrible that you think “okay if you don’t look at it then it’s kind of okay” while you eat it.

Season with generic brand soy sauce.

A WHOLE PACKAGE OF CHIPS AHOY COOKIES

A lot of people lack the real discipline to really implement this meal so that it can be fully effective. Preparation is simple, just buy a package of classic Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies. I don’t want to see you reaching for the chewy ones or the fudgy ones.

Now what you’re going to do, is just eat them. I know, seems impossible, but you just gotta focus and really lay into it. It’s okay. You’ll get through it. Just put on a movie, like a documentary on late term abortions or a documentary on physician assisted suicide, and you’ll be done before you know it.

I recommend setting aside a whole day to really do this right. Don’t leave your apartment, don’t shower, don’t talk to anyone, don’t even really leave your bed. The trick to this is to remain as sedentary as possible. And with luck, this will be the only meal you’ll need to eat all day!

And there you have it guys! Just a simple diet to follow so you can finally have the stick thin body that I have. This is just the beginner course, though, obviously. If you really want to commit, make sure you live your life hating everything you eat and constantly being unsatisfied with whatever you’re doing at any moment.

Good luck!

<33

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