I am a lonely person, but to be fair, I prefer it this way. I’m most comfortable when I’m alone. I don’t have to answer to anyone, I can do the weird shit I enjoy doing without having to explain it to anyone, I can cook mac and cheese while listening to T-Pain’s “I’m in Luv Wit a Stripper” as loud as I want. It’s great for me.
Last summer I went slightly agoraphobic. I say slightly, because I was able to leave my apartment, but only if I was fairly certain I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone that knew me. So, yeah, while I was able to leave, a lot of things made me burst into tears and it was generally not a fun experience. I got so used to crying in public that one time I was sitting in a park with a book, tears just streaming down my face, and a child came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I told her it was just a really sad book, but I should have just said that when you grow up, you get lonely. College dorms may be a breeding ground for Meningitis and Herpes, but that’s because you’re all socializing and things are great and you don’t have bills and you’re softly nestled in the comfort of a long, undergraduate career.
Until you’re where I am, and you look forward to having enough money to afford the luxury of tissues (TISSUES I can’t fucking afford tissues) and then having those dreams dashed when you have to pay your phone bill and you went $60 over your data limit because favoriting tweets is the only thing that makes you feel alive anymore.
SO when life gets me down and I realize that if I somehow choke to death in my apartment that no one would notice for, like, a week maybe, I resort to these following tips! Don’t you wanna have a lifestyle like me???
1. Go to the Apple Store
There is a fucking village of people all dressed the same who want to talk to you. Yeah, I’m never going to be able to afford another Apple product for at least the next century, but they don’t know that! The best part is that you don’t even need to act like you want anyone to come up and talk to you. Just stand next to an iPad, start some Words With Friends and they’ll swarm on top of you almost like you have money.
Some suggested buzz words to keep them talking:
- “but I heard that an Andriod is better for…..”
- Steve Jobs
- Minimalistic design
- money money money money I’m rich
- “do you know what kind of phone taylor swift has?”
And so on. This tactic was able to sustain me for another 20 minutes for a train ride back home, so I could have my daily panic attack, and remind myself what my own voice sounds like! Win win!
2. Go to Tiffany’s
Okay yeah most of these are going to involve pretending to be rich, but like hey, if being obsessed with celebrities has taught me anything, it’s that lots of money is the key to having friends. Britney Spears used to get paparazzi to pump her gas for her. Such good friends!
You’re going to need to clean yourself up a little bit for this one. Put a bra on, maybe shave your armpits if you’re wearing short sleeves, watch a few videos from British YouTubers until you train yourself to talk like one of them. You are regal, you are expensive. Maybe listen to that song “Fancy” if you can get past the casual racism of Iggy Azalea.
Once there, try many pieces on, admiring the way they look on your fingers. Say some rich people stuff like “oh but will this fully compliment the architecture of France?” or “I think my maid will be too tempted to steal this from my third jewelry chest.” They will dote on you, since they don’t know that you’re a poor person in poor person’s clothes pretending to be a rich person. You know?
Then, find the most expensive thing in the store. Act incredibly excited and happy and overjoyed. This is the one!!! Try it on, examine yourself in it from all angles, get pictures of yourself in the jewels. And then, just when you’re about to seal the deal, say to them, “ugh but I don’t know if I really need a second one of these.”
Say you’ll think about it and leave. Never return.
3. Try to Virginia Woolf yourself
Now if you have a flair for performance, this one may be for you. As you know, Virginia Woolf put some rocks in her pockets and drowned herself when she finally succumbed to the severe depression that had plagued her for years. Okay like I get it. Depression is rough no matter what time period you’re in. But seriously Virginia? You got out when the going was good. We have this thing called LinkedIn now. Thought Catalog exists. Virginia Woolf was living it up, being a writer and having sex with ladies while she was married to a man and just doing whatever the fuck she wanted cause she was bipolar.
And I’m like, alright Virginia, I’ve got my room of one’s own, but where’s your treatise on how to deal with people trying to get me to like their blog on Facebook?
So I got this idea while I was sitting out by a shallow, very public body of water that’s filled with the worlds most putrid creatures: geese. Fuck geese. Like obviously, no one can drown themselves here. It’s too shallow, there are people everywhere, someone would want to be the hero and someone would film it and post it to Upworthy or something.
But what if you just went for it? You’d have to really do it though, like get the period costume, really fill those pockets with rocks, and just wade out there, talking about Mrs. Dalloway and a lighthouse.
People will be all over you. Pass it off as some performance art, bringing literature to the masses or something, and you’ll be lauded. Virginia Woolfing yourself will be the new planking, and that’s your legacy!! How could you ever be lonely again?
So there you go, some of the best ideas I have for combating the horrible, pervasive loneliness that plagues us all. It’s also nice to remember that no matter how many friends you have, death could come at any minute.