Archive

Monthly Archives: January 2015

HEY!!! I now blog at ughitslaura.com!!! Go over there if you like this and wanna read more. <333

As a woman, I sometimes get approached by men who obviously just want to talk to a girl for a little bit, but they don’t know how to do it! They’re at a loss for words, or they opt for staring at me weirdly. No one wants to be a wallflower. Take some control over your life!

To help you guys out, I have come up with five strategies to help you talk to women. Whether you just want to be friendly or even something more, these tips will certainly help you get your foot in the door.

strategy #1: be a dog.

preferably one wearing tiny argyle socks, like the one seen below.

tumblr_mhzrrgjWRY1rxhvabo1_500

strategy #2: be a writer.

“hmm is Laura radiant or gorgeous, let me check my notes. oh yes of course she is both.”

Think about writing a short story where you simply write what you would say to me. Or perhaps a short film or something. Make me represent cultural excess or something, because I’m blonde so my hair is a symbol for gold or capitalism. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas. But it’s your story! What we do is up to you, but the key here is to stay far, far away from me in real life. Have fun with it!

strategy #3: spend money on me.

I will only look at you if I am peeking out of a pile of money, much like this woman is.

Did you know it’s actually illegal to call me “cute” without buying me anything? Luckily I’m already tied up in several lawsuits regarding this, so legal action won’t be taken for quite some time, but if you’re going to interact with me, I suggest your purchase some kind of good to give to me in return. Whether this be a drink or a snack or perhaps even a burrito or two, it’s up to you, but do know that the length of time I feel like I’ll be obligated to give you is highly dependent on the price of whatever’s given to me.

And if you’re thinking, but what if she’s gay?? then you don’t exist because there does not exist a man out there who even considers the possibility that the girl he is into might possibly not be into him. Shrug!! Either way, I may be gay, but when it comes to people buying things for me, I find that labels are less relevant to me.

J Lo says that love don’t cost a thing, and while she’s right, forced convos actually cost quite a lot for me. Please be respectful.

strategy #4: don’t.

or maybe just don’t? maybe just leave me alone? I know you’ve seen a thousand meet-cutes where the strapping dude saunters up to the girl and whatever else, but this ain’t a movie!!! Try tinder, I hear it’s great for single people!!

Try to imagine a world where you don’t get to choose what conversations you have with people, and instead other people choose for you. Wouldn’t that be quite the dystopia for you???

strategy #5: try being a different dog?

like, idk, this one maybe?

tumblr_n0lo72cUuX1qdlh1io1_400Whatever strategy you try, I’m sure you’ll get some kind of result because life continues to move on because that’s how time and space works.

Good luck!

Katy Perry recently announced that her special guest during her Super Bowl half time performance is female and a “throwback” which means that people are daring to suggest that it could possibly be Britney Spears. The fact that a 33 year old who continues to sell out Las Vegas theaters and is still recording music could possibly be a “throwback” just shows how prejudiced this society is toward women older than 30, but whatever. Even the possibility that Britney Bitch MAY make an appearance during this performance is enough to send me into a shaking cold sweat because there is literally no performer like Britney Spears okay I can’t get into this right now it’s NOT THE POINT.

This suggestion got me thinking about my dream Super Bowl performers. Who is the perfect duo to break up the monotony of sports and the glamorization of violence? Whose performance could be good enough to look past the fact that they are catering to the male gaze???

We can start with the obvious: Madonna and Britney Spears.

never forget

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE??? The fact that the two of them have never performed Me Against the Music together live is a fucking tragedy on par with the epidemic of eating disorders that they also kind of caused in this country a little bit. Britney and Madonna both reached the pinnacle of pop, and literally I don’t think anyone even compares. I honestly think this hasn’t happened because people are scared of it. The last time they were together on TV, they created a pop culture moment that lives on FOREVER. THINK OF WHAT THEY COULD DO IF THEY LOST THE DEAD WEIGHT OF CHRISTINA?????

This would be a mostly Britney show, but I would also love to see Britney and Madonna do a sassy “Material Girl” together or perhaps even a rousing rendition of “Express Yourself.”

Special appearances by Charli XCX (imagine them singing Boys TOGETHER???) and maybe like Miley?? I could get down with that.

If that ends up being too much for the world, I would be willing to settle for a Taylor Swift/One Direction performance.

I know they just broke up but it feels like my entire world is broken up as well

I’m kind of okay with Taylor Swift and Harry Styles not being together any more just because I think Taylor is, you know, living her truth as an independent single woman and I like the rumors that she’s dating all her super model friends BUT IMAGINE THEM ON STAGE TOGETHER??? AHHHHHHHH. It would be incredible. I don’t even know how this would even work, but maybe like Taylor headlines and they just appear for a couple of songs and Harry eats a banana on stage or something??

Also Tay’s BFF’s HAIM are there and Little Mix should come too because they’re amazing.

LASTLY, and I’m aware this could never happen because for some reason people who watch the Super Bowl probably don’t know these names at all, but CARLY RAE JEPSEN AND CHER LLOYD TOGETHER PLEASE.

I have been dying for this combo for AGES. I love both of them dearly and they need to combine their star power and take over the world with the bubblegum pop that this country DESERVES. I realize I’m using a lot of all caps in this post but there is nothing I feel more strongly about than the careers of both Carly Rae and Cher Lloyd.

And while we’re at it, let’s just feature another group that needs to be heard by everyone:

DANITY KANE.

Okay, so you know how much you guys love “Bang Bang???” Just imagine a group who only sings songs like that. That’s Danity Kane. They are incredible. I don’t care that one of them punched another one in the head and they broke up. We don’t talk about it. They will be back and it will be at the Super Bowl half time show when I am the ruler of the universe and my word is law.

wait omg Imagine them performing with FIFTH HARMONy oh my god I need to stop right here.

Why do I not run everything? People don’t think they want this entertainment, but you actually do. HAVE AN OPEN MIND AND ACCEPT TRASHY POP INTO YOUR LIFE.

This got out of hand quickly. I just feel really strongly about this.

Shout out to the producers of the Super Bowl Halftime show, because I have A LOT of ideas to revolutionize this show.

Or honestly just play a twenty minute Pepsi ad there, it’ll probably have the same exact effect.

THIS issssssss Jeopardy. Let’s meet our contestants.

contestants A professor of biochemistry from Fargo, North Dakota, Trish Nosenblattstein. The dude who discovered something really important and is kind of a genius from Corpus Christie, Texas, Jim Jimmerson. And our returning champion, a blogger and former barista from Maryland (not the nice part), Laura Dean! Whose four day, cash winnings total $22. AND NOW here is the HOST of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek!! “Thank you Johnny. Hello and welcome, we are so excited to bring you a game from two incredibly talented players, and one who seems to just get kind of lucky. We’re investigating it now, but…the show must go on! I didn’t survive 3 heart attacks just to not host Jeopardy, you know? The Jeopardy round is first, and here are the categories.” everyone LD has ever hated olive garden rent vmas matt-card-jeopardy-550px Notice the guacamole in quotation marks. and finally, goats

“Where members of our very own Clue Crew have gone out to meet these celebrity goats, and present them with your clues. Is this serious? Like I’m being pranked, right? This is ridiculous. Alright, well, Laura, let’s get this over with.”

laura

“I’ll take The Olive Garden Menu for $200 Alex.”

“Of course you will. These three meals appear in smaller versions on the plate when you order Olive Garden’s Tour of Italy.”

“Laura.”

laura

“What are lasagna, chicken parmesan, and fettuccine alfredo.”

“Correct.”

laura

“Olive Garden for $400.”

“These two seafoods appear on a plate of seafood Alfredo.”

“Trish!! Thank Christ.”

trish

“What is shrimp and scallops.”

“Yes you perfect angel.”

trish

“Uh, let’s go with History of the Video Music Awards for $200?”

“This star wore an impeccable light blue onesie with random letters on it on the red carpet at last year’s VMAs.”

“Laura.”

laura

“Who is T Swizzle.”

“Yes, we also would have accepted her real name, which is Taylor Swift. Back to you, Laura.”

laura

“Everyone Laura Dean has every hated for $600.”

“This person dared to ring in before Laura and answer a question about the Olive Garden menu just now.”

“Trish.”

trish

“Is it…Who is me?”

“No…? Laura?”

laura

“Who is Trish Nosenblattstein?”

“That is correct. Okay, this is ridiculous, are you writing the questions as we go? Like what is going on here? I need a break. Whatever. Just put on some Aleve commercials for the invalids who are still watching this, dear Christ.”

“Let’s meet the people who get to go home and live their lives, while I’m stuck here, repeating the same things over and over again like I live in Groundhog’s Day. Trish, it says here that you have a collection of poisonous frogs in your basement.”

trish

“Yes, and I design wigs for them, depending on how they remind me of various ex-boyfriends. Like for instance, I have a blue one that really reminds me of this guy I dated, haha, it’s kind of a funny story actually, one time we went to Chuck E. Cheese, well, no, went to Chuck E. Cheese alone and -“

“Alright, gonna stop you right there. This is just getting more and more fucked up, Trish. I don’t want to hear anymore of this.”

“Jim Jimmerson, you’ve been pretty quiet this whole game, but I’m ready to hear your story. Now I heard that you have a really interesting story about how you met Judith Butler.”

jim

“Oh man, wow, yeah, funny that you bring that up-“

“You wrote it on this card.”

jim

“Yeah well, I was just walking through my local dog shelter. I’ve always wanted a yorkie and there she was! My Judith Butler!!”

“What the heck is wrong with you people. Doesn’t anyone want to be on this show anymore? Have we seriously gone through everyone already? I’m not that old you guys.”

laura

“Alright Alex, c’mere. It’s me time. This is why I do this.”

“Okay, Laura. You have an fascinating story about a rather odd instrument.”

laura

“Yeah, I’ll get to that. But first I just want to send a message to these two over here. Yeah. If you’re gonna try to fuck with this, you might as well leave now. Mr. Jimmerson, you’ve got the right idea, just keep your mouth shut. Trish, I’m a four day fucking champ, you really think you can unseat me? You can go ahead and try but I’m gonna take all your dignity with me you piece of shit. Anyway, yeah, the whole story is pretty much like I was a loser and I played oboe in high school for some dumb reason. LET’S GO.”

“Alright, whatever. We’re just gonna skip right to double jeopardy because I could not really honestly care less. Just make Wheel of Fortune longer, I’m sure that cam whore Pat Sajak will cum in his pants just thinking about it. Let’s take a look at these next categories.”

geography physics sports taxes twin peaks xtina

“Ha! Finally. Okay. Trish, you’re in the negatives, so you get to choose first.”

trish

“Alright, let’s try….Literally Anything About Sports for $400.”

“This was the halftime show that Britney Spears had a performance with Aerosmith and *NSYNC.”

“Are you seriously fucking kidding me. Yes, Laura.”

laura

“What is Superbowl 35 in 2001.”

“Are all these questions just about Britney Spears somehow? Are they? Judges, just tell me. I’m done messing around, I’m done pretending, let’s go. They are? Even the taxes one? Especially the taxes one? Okay, we’re skipping to final Jeopardy. I’m done. Let’s see the category. Don’t even bother making wagers, none of you have any money anyway, alright, let’s see.”

emoji

“I’m not gonna bother. Laura, congratulations, you are now a five day champion.”

laura

“Alex!!! I won like a thousand dollars this time!”

“No you didn’t. This is making a mockery of Jeopardy. I’ll give you ten bucks.”

laura

“Sounds good.”

“Whoever you are, please do not tune in next time. This show is like a dog that can’t walk up stairs anymore. Let’s put it out of its misery. Why let it suffer anymore?”

I started calling myself a feminist when I was about 16 or 17 years old, and it was just like one of those things where once it was pointed out to me, I started to see shit everywhere. The way I would have to yell to get my point across in debate team in middle school, but then a boy could say the exact same thing and get immediate respect and attention. When I made jokes or messed around, I got yelled at by teachers for “flirting” with the boys. Or the way girls my age, including me, were taught to hate our bodies and starve ourselves while simultaneously being forced to be “up for anything!!!” so you weren’t that girl.

Boys would get praised for the exact same things girls would get yelled at for. They got to be defined by sports or academics, while I got defined based on how many boys liked me. Once this got pointed out to me, I was furious all the time, and feminism was the only thing I was interested in. Presentations on female anarchists, counting up the number of female writers we read in English class and asking why there weren’t more, intense fights with other classmates about how the NFL promotes rape and violence against women. I was all about it.

I am so grateful that I found feminism when I did, because it kind of saved my teenage self-esteem from being next to nothing. Once I realized that I felt shitty because powerful rich people want to make money off of making me feel shitty, I couldn’t let myself do that anymore. Instead of hating my own body, I was able to direct that hate toward the people that made me hate it. It did amazing things for my confidence and I feel so lucky to have found it when I was a teenager.

But I’m also pretty pissed off that I have to feel “lucky to have found” feminism. Women’s studies should be taught in public school. That is one of the most firm beliefs I hold. I’m appalled that it’s not required in college. How can you be expected to talk about literature, film, history without being educated in feminism?

I was an English major, essentially, and the frustration I felt at my school’s curriculum was enough to make me graduate early and get out of there as soon as possible. The fact that we view white history/art as a requirement, while the history and art made by racial minorities is seen as elective or extra was SO FUCKED UP TO ME but no one really seemed to think that? Issues of privilege or diversity were shrugged off in a “well there’s not enough material” kind of way, but I know that’s not true!!!! I absolutely hated that studying literature meant that I had to be “well-versed in the classics” and we had to “know the canon” when all of that was code for white male literature. Work written by men was always seen as more important, more necessary, which spilled over into the entire culture of my school.

And students were not equipped to talk about it. Every literature class where feminism or gender studies was brought up, we had to start back at the basics. I got exhausted having to explain and explain and explain basic women’s studies to students, to usually only get met with “oh well yeah BUT…” because there was absolutely no understanding there. They had nothing to reference, because they were only exposed to feminism as a kind of niche concept that didn’t apply to them.

Sometimes, I’m hopeful. Feminism seems to be moving more into mainstream culture, with Beyonce standing in front of the word “feminist” at the VMAs, and other popular musicians like Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift and Lorde and Haim being very vocal about feminism and encouraging girls to speak up for themselves. Things have definitely changed, and I think a lot of girls are learning about it probably even younger than I did, and that’s great.

It’s just also kind of horrifying to see what mainstream feminism chooses to focus on. And one of these things is demonizing women for not being feminists.

For mainstream feminism, the things that seem to be most important are:

  • every woman (ONLY WOMEN) identify as feminists regardless of their knowledge on the subject
  • BUT WE STILL LOVE MEN

I have such an issue with the way we force women and ONLY WOMEN to identify as feminists. I hate how we ask female celebrities about their feminism, but we don’t ask men. If we’re getting celebrity opinions on feminism, why just ask Kaley Cuoco? Let’s ask her male costars, Jim Parsons and some other sad people on Big Bang Theory.

And then, on the flip side, when a man chooses to say he’s a feminist he is PRAISED for it, LAUDED ABOVE ALL OTHERS for being the HERO WE NEED. Aziz Ansari goes on TV and says shit women have been saying for decades, and all the sudden he’s a genius visionary. Louis CK makes jokes about how women should be terrified of men, and everyone acts like it’s never been said before.

THANK YOU MEN!!!!!!!

I could care fucking less who is and isn’t a feminist. I don’t think it’s important. Obviously, yes, I would love it if everyone stood up and declared themselves as such, but it also doesn’t mean that you’re actually going to do anything. I think even saying you’re a feminist is great, but I also hate this “WOMEN ARE DOING GREAT!!!” vibe that we feel the need to shove into every award show on TV. Because it’s not true. It means nothing to me.

And as far as men go, I fucking laugh when I hear someone say “well I’m not a feminist because I don’t want women to be above men” because nothing shows how little you understand about women’s position in this society if you think women could EVER be ABOVE men. At least, it’s not happening in my lifetime, or my children’s lifetime, or my grandchildren’s lifetime. It’s not.

But then I also hate when people counter that with “feminism isn’t about hating men! it’s about equality!!!” because feminism isn’t about equality to me. There is no “equal” now, not the way this society is set up. There is no such thing. Feminism, to me, is reconstructing this entire culture for everyone that is oppressed. I don’t think you’re a feminist if you’re not also educated in racial inequality, gay rights, trans* rights, classism, ableism, and everything else that’s telling people that they are less than. Or that they deserve violence, or other people have the right to not treat them with respect.

So I’m fine that Kirsten Dunst doesn’t think she’s a feminist. I’m okay that Meghan Trainor is the way she is. Yeah, it sucks, but so does this fake feminism, where we praise ourselves for listening to a woman a few times, then make jokes about Ariana Grande being underage and having sex with her.

This problem is so much bigger than women not calling themselves feminists. Instead of calling them idiots or dumb bitches, let’s move on, focus on why these women are held to a higher standard of feminism than men. And even if everyone woke up tomorrow and declared themselves feminists, nothing would actually change. It goes way deeper than just that.

I love feminism, and I am grateful for it. It is so important to me to empower women and girls, and to educate men. Feminism gave me so much that I didn’t already have. But the fact is that we still live in a culture where finding feminism was lucky for me, and even now when the biggest pop star in the world says she’s a feminist, I don’t think girls are getting the bigger picture. There are SO MANY WAYS to be a woman, not just a skinny white straight girl, and EVERY SINGLE ONE needs to be present and celebrated!! Let’s stop holding women to a different standard than our men. Please. Dear God.

If I see one more fucking “THIS WOMAN ISN’T A FEMINIST BURN HER!!!!!!” article I’m gonna tear my goddamn hair out.

Once upon a time I worked at al cute little sandwich shop. I actually have worked at two different sandwich shops, buuuuuut this isn’t supposed to be about my dignity.

At this sandwich shop, I was asked frequently by people “how I stay so thin.” The conversation would typically occur in the following way:

Me: Hey, what would you like today?

Them: WELL do YOU eat here? What do eat to stay so thin????

The real answer is actually that I just maintain an incredibly complicated relationship with my body and food, as I am an American woman with a body. Did I have an eating disorder? Well, for many of us, that’s a shaky question to answer. Does starving yourself all day and then eating half a bag of Doritos in thirty minutes and then sobbing from even the possibility of gaining weight sound disordered? I guess, but at 15, it was just the thing to do.

Now, at 21, I’m sometimes a little weirded out at how thin I am, but my unhealthy habits are reinforced by people cooing over my boney frame. Thanks guys!

If you don’t know what I look like, I’ll give you this anecdote. One time, I was looking at my own naked body, trying to figure out what my body reminded me of. And then I realized that I was thinking of the pre-teen girl in the Sia music videos, except my tits are way smaller I think.

How that’s for a visceral image? So ladies and gentlemen, how do I maintain this desirable figure?

Generally my strategy is to shove as much horrible crap into my body, and then just hope my metabolism takes care of it.

SOGGY MICROWAVED CHICKEN PATTY ON COLD, SLIGHTLY STALE WHOLE WHEAT BUN

Frozen chicken patties are staple of any good roommate’s diet. This means, you don’t have to buy them yourself, given that one of your roommates will buy a package large enough so that when you take one, they won’t notice. If not, then I guess you’re taking a risk and banking on the fact that women have taught to never be confrontational and to keep their mouths shut. I’d say it’s a pretty solid thing to bank on, but good luck dealing with whatever moral quandary you may be in afterwards.

It’s nice to substitute a white bun for whole wheat, because that’s more nutritious I think? Or just eat whatever kind of bread is within reach. You can never have too many carbs, is what I say.

A frozen chicken patty takes a minute and a half in the microwave. Afterwards, it will be sitting in a pool of it’s own grease and skin. For an added touch of pathetic, take a napkin and pat the chicken patty dry before placing it on your bun. Not only will you feel sad, you’ll get to feel the texture and consistency of what you’re about to put into your body.

All that’s left is to consume and hope it doesn’t completely kill you.

KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE W/OUT MILK

This is a great option for anyone thinking about cutting back their dairy!

So, say you took a shower at 4:30 PM, and shortly afterwards, it’s dinner time. You feel kinda shitty for not waking up until after 1 in the afternoon, but what can you really do at this point. You decide to brighten things up with a nice bowl of Kraft mac and cheese.

Now, the key to this recipe is that you’re alone, and you can’t eat an entire box of mac and cheese by yourself, so you make half the box. This is a technique that takes little to no precision, as the power that comes with this brand of mac and cheese turns into a toxic paste, no matter how much you end up putting in.

Boil the water, cook the noodles, add the butter, and the cheese powder.

This is when it hits you – the only milk in your apartment is vanilla flavored almond milk. FUCK. Your hair is wet, which means you can’t go outside in this 25 degree weather because it’ll freeze. And you already cooked it. There’s no where else to really go with this.

So you eat it anyway. You reign in that gag reflex, and you go for it. Do you have a better option bitch?

LEFTOVER RICE

Now this one is a real treat. First of all, a couple of days before, you’re gonna need to cook some white rice. Next, shove the extra into a plastic container and sit it in your fridge for however long you decide. I recommend as long as possible, maybe three days, just to let all of the original flavor completely disappear and for the rice to turn into a nice, gravelly texture.

And you want the color and look of it to be so horrible that you think “okay if you don’t look at it then it’s kind of okay” while you eat it.

Season with generic brand soy sauce.

A WHOLE PACKAGE OF CHIPS AHOY COOKIES

A lot of people lack the real discipline to really implement this meal so that it can be fully effective. Preparation is simple, just buy a package of classic Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies. I don’t want to see you reaching for the chewy ones or the fudgy ones.

Now what you’re going to do, is just eat them. I know, seems impossible, but you just gotta focus and really lay into it. It’s okay. You’ll get through it. Just put on a movie, like a documentary on late term abortions or a documentary on physician assisted suicide, and you’ll be done before you know it.

I recommend setting aside a whole day to really do this right. Don’t leave your apartment, don’t shower, don’t talk to anyone, don’t even really leave your bed. The trick to this is to remain as sedentary as possible. And with luck, this will be the only meal you’ll need to eat all day!

And there you have it guys! Just a simple diet to follow so you can finally have the stick thin body that I have. This is just the beginner course, though, obviously. If you really want to commit, make sure you live your life hating everything you eat and constantly being unsatisfied with whatever you’re doing at any moment.

Good luck!

<33

Roommates are a sad reality of life sometimes. It’s an important thing, to learn how to live with another person, so they tell me. I’ve had roommates for the better part of 3 and a half years now, and I would like to share with you some cool tips I’ve learned on how to be a good roommate when common problems occur.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE IS….

  • being too loud!

ignore it

  • crying!

ignore it

  • too messy!

ignore it

  • neglecting to take out the trash!

ignore it & do it yourself

  • performing elaborate seances!

ignore it

  • cooking food that makes you nauseous!

ignore it

  • snoring loudly!

ignore it

  • attempting to reawaken the spirit of her dead cat that died two weeks ago!

ignore it

  • not respecting your space!

ignore it

  • having sex with her boyfriend all the time!

ignore it

  • refusing to respect your brand!

ignore it

  • throwing too many parties!

ignore it

  • forcing her weird zombie cat on you!

ignore it

  • splitting up the cost of utilities unfairly!

ignore it

  • racist!

ignore it (but also maybe go see Selma together and start a dialogue, it could be a chance to start some real change!)

  • fucking obsessed with holidays and is decorating your apartment with paper hearts!

ignore it

  • judging you for eating mac and cheese every day!

ignore it

  • leaving hair in the drain!

ignore it

These strategies have really helped me in the past, and I really hope they help you too! Good luck and happy rooming!

The worst birthday I ever had was when I was very young. I don’t remember what age I was turning, but my party was on April Fools Day, and I was under 10 years old because this memory takes place very vividly in my old house. It’s also highly possible that I’m conflating two different shitty birthdays into one day, but I don’t think that matters so much.

So first of all, there were these series of games that the group of us played at my house, and every time a person won a game, they would get to pick a prize. These prizes were Lisa Frank themed, because obviously. They were the fucking bomb, except there were two that were clearly more inferior than the rest of the prizes.

They were mini notebooks that were on a keychain, and they had classic Lisa Frank covers. The yellow puppy, the multicolored neon lion, a pre-Bratz cartoon girl with a huge head. And I know you’re like “how could any of these be a terrible option?” and I get that, but two of these mini notebook keychains had a cover with two aliens on it.

FUCK. THIS.

It was quickly decided that these aliens were like, not the thing to get. Compared to dolphins, unicorns, and puppies these aliens were like if Lisa Frank had just drawn Hitler and put it on a notebook.

Looking at them now, they’re actually kind of cool, but NO. While playing these party games, it became less about winning a prize than not getting the notebooks with the aliens on it. It was ridiculous and stupid and meaningless, but I was like 7 or something. Nothing had meant more to me in my whole life at that point, except for maybe getting into fifth grade honors chorus a couple years later (which I did, by the way).

We played these games, and I don’t remember any of them, but I do remember that I didn’t win a single one. So I was simply given the prize that was left, which was covered by these shitty aliens.

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY. At some point I should have been given some kind of birthday handicap, because this was the worst thing that could have happened. I want to say that I put on a brave face and made some joke about it, but I was seven. So I probably threw a huge tantrum about it, but let’s try to save a little bit of my dignity and say that I handled it with grace.

This could have been the only thing that happened that day, BUT NO. I also had a pinata at my birthday party, because I’m not some kind of dork that doesn’t get a pinata. This one was shaped like a smiley face, and I loved it so much that I fully intended on keeping it after the party. I would often stare at the pinata before my birthday, imagining how good it would look in my room and how I could look at it and remember the awesome birthday party that I had.

So we do the thing with the pinata, grab the candy, and that was that. I left to do something probably super cool, like eat cake or something, and we I returned I found two of my “friends” pulling the tissue paper off the front of the pinata.

And this is why I remember this party happened on April Fools Day because when they saw that I was clearly angry with them, one of them said, “April Fools….?”

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PULL A PRANK REBECCA. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

I’ve had other shitty birthdays. On my 15th birthday, I had to spend it at a tech rehearsal for a musical because I was playing oboe in the pit band, which I didn’t even want to do and it caused me so much stress that I’m pretty sure I contracted mono and I only ate french fries and cheez-its for about two weeks. The rehearsal was something like 13 hours long, and when I called to get a ride home from my parents, no one picked up. So I had to get a ride from someone I barely knew, and when I got home, no one was there because my family had gone out to dinner without me.

I remember sitting on the living room floor and petting my dog and I whispered to him, “it’s my birthday” in the saddest, most overdramatic 15 year old voice I could manage.

There was also the time when I had been grounded because I dyed my hair pink without my parents permission, so I was walking to the library to where my mom worked and on the way a kid sped past me on his bike and flipped me off and told me to go fuck myself.

Those are probably the top three.

I used to be obsessed with my birthday, and while it was 90% a joke, it was also 10% very serious. Birthdays are fun, and people are extra nice to you, and you get to eat cake. What’s not to like, you know? I used to think that people that weren’t excited for their birthday were lying about it. It’s the best holiday of the year.

But there’s nothing worse than expecting something and not getting it, right? It hurts to be counting on something, and then missing it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about entitlement, and what people think they deserve. It’s so easy to look at what someone has and think like “they don’t deserve that but I do” and I’m starting to think that maybe it’s all bullshit.

Ugh, I want to try really hard not to sound cynical, but I don’t think anyone really deserves anything. I’m 21, and I think a lot of the time people criticize people my age by saying that we’re entitled. We think that we are owed something. And they say this comes from being given awards for participation or everyone being told that we’re special or whatever the heck these people are saying.

Untitled-2

essentially what my undergraduate degree says

I don’t know. I think I used to feel that way, but now I don’t. I used to think that I deserved to have people be nice to me and happy for me on my birthday, but I don’t really feel that way anymore. There is a certain kind of arrogance that I have, and I know that because I still think I’m special and I still think that I’m smart. But I don’t know if that means that I deserve anything. There are plenty of people that are special and they, like, I don’t fucking know, disappear on planes and stuff like that. I don’t think anyone really deserves that, except for fucking Rebecca who ruined my pinata over a decade a go.

You can be special and get nothing. You can be nothing and get something really special. I don’t really think there’s a trick to it. It just is what it is.

I think I used to make a huge deal about my birthday because I was scared that if I didn’t, no one would care about it and then I would get let down. But it turns out that even when I did make a big deal about it, I still got let down.

So I guess the moral of the story is to just chill out. I don’t want to take things so seriously any more, and I don’t think anyone should. Who fucking cares if someone you know has a cooler job or more twitter followers or more money or more friends? I don’t. I make myself happy. I write these stupid blogs because I want to. I go to open mics that no one cares about because I feel happy when I do.

Who cares that Rebecca ruined your pinata? You don’t need it.

Though seriously if you’re not following me on Twitter, than you’re just missing out. Like that’s more for your happiness than mine, really.