THANK GOD NO ONE REALLY IMPORTANT HAS DIED YET BECAUSE I’M NOT SURE HOW I WOULD HANDLE THAT HUMOROUSLY

  1. DANITY KANE BROKE UP again 😥

I never thought this day would come. Here I am, writing a blog post that ten people will look at, just going about my day the only way I really know how. In the wake of this tragedy, strangers have come together in sweet displays of solidarity. “Do do you have a first aid kit handy?” we all seem to be saying to each other. But of course, we don’t need words. We all know that our hearts are damaged (damaged).

Never has a punch to the back of the head been so completely earth shattering. I’ve already requested that this been seen as an excused absence for my class on Monday, and I expect all of you to do the same. It seems impossible to keep going on in a world without Danity Kane, and yet here we are. Doing the impossible.

  1. Where is Ibiza

I still don’t know where Ibiza is because I wasn’t there. But you know who was there? Everyone I give a shit about and a lot of people I don’t give a shit about. Most importantly, PARIS HILTON AND KIM K REUNITED. Paris Hilton is my BFF, despite the fact that I never appeared on Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. She’s a DJ and she has a pug now, but she took the time out to reunite with her bestie from 2007, Paris Hilton. 

God I love socialites (not socialists I’m not even totally sure what those are). Not just because they’re living the exact live I want to live and they get to call themselves celebutantes (fun fact: that is what I prefer to be called in the bedroom), but because they’re insane. I wonder what they talked about!!! Did Paris update Kim on her model airplane building? Did Kim congratulate Paris on her new song? DID PARIS EXPRESS REGRET FOR NOT CREATING AN IPHONE APP?? These are the things that keep me up at night.

Next I just need a Paris Hilton and Britney Spears reunion and a recreation of this photo:

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And I’ll be able to die peacefully and my soul can move on to the other side. 

  1. HOW DID BLAKE LIVELY NOT HAVE A WEBSITE BEFORE NOW

Any week that features two of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants girls is a good week for me. First Alexis Bledel got married to not Kostas, but Pete from Mad Men, and then Blake Lively’s lifestyle website got some attention. The fact that it’s not called something like BE LIVELY with BLAKE LIVELY is, frankly, disgusting, but whatever.

If anyone is qualified to tell me how to live my best life, it’s Blake Lively. Her hair is amazing!! I’m gonna guess though that the secret to living my best life is having a boat load of money. As far as advice goes, that’s not the worst. Let the blonde girl have her website, I say! In a world where Cinderella is being played by a brunette, we need to claim all the space we can.

  1. Crazy in Love with selling concert tickets

Because a woman who created an entire album along with 20 videos in complete secret obviously has NO CONTROL over her image, the Beyonce and Jay Z divorce rumors are totally true

Yeah, probably not, but I don’t really care either way. I never understand when people freak out over celebrity divorces. Your parents got divorced a long time ago, but when Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs break up, then you stop believing in love? Alright then. 

  1. Former first lady of not being hilarious, more like!! cause she’s funny and that’s saying that she used to be not funny. which is different than she is now.

I don’t care much for politics, to be totally honest. If I had to rank things I’m excited to vote for it would probably be like…senators and whatever the fuck else last, president second, then Best Female Pop Artist at the VMA’s. If I could combine the last two into just one position, I probably would.

But Hillary Clinton was hilarious and a total badass on The Colbert Report and there’s nothing I enjoy more than a non-comedy actor trying to be funny on a comedy show and trying really hard!! There’s something so genuinely earnest about it, which is charming and not something I, a soulless humanoid, typically feel connected to. But this was nice. Though I’m fully expecting her to host SNL next, with Bill on as musical guest.

POLITICAL HUMOR is still so in and I’m really attuned to it and not tired of it at all.

As long as there are famous people and I am not one of them, I will always be that girl who isn’t popular but is OBSESSED with the popular kids and I know their blood types and I have a perfect memory for what they’ve said and when they said it and why. Here’s where a Mean Girls quote would go. Just pick your fave. ;*

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