ORLANDO BLOOM IS ALMOST 40

Pop culture on Friday? Pop culture on Friday.

1. The Miranda Kerr-fuffle

I literally have not payed any attention to this at all except simply pausing to wonder why terrible things keep happening to Orlando Bloom. His house was robbed by the bling ring, now this…whole thing. Someone punched someone, and Justin Bieber posted a sad Orlando to his Instagram. Celebrity instagram fights are a godsend and every day I imagine what 2007-2009 would have been like with them. I honestly don’t think this world would have survived into the 2010’s.

BUT the most shocking thing about this whole ordeal is that Orlando Bloom is a FORTY YEAR OLD MAN almost. C’mon dude. I know you play the pussy character in every movie you’ve been in but like get a grip. It’s over!!! Your rom com days are here, go mack on a 20 year old rising It Girl like you’re supposed to at this point in your career!

Or you know go back to doing nothing because seriously when was the last time we were hearing about Orlando Bloom? I’m bored already.

2. Allison Williams is Method Acting

Allison Williams is going to be Peter Pan because who the fuck else would be Peter Pan. Of course the pressing question on everyone’s minds is: WILL SHE BE GETTING A PIXIE CUT???

I love Allison Williams because she’s gorgeous and I think she plays a great Marnie on Girls (can we take a moment to imagine the RAGE the fictional Marnie would have at not getting the role of Peter Pan???) but she is kind of like the not-as-famous Anne Hathaway. But she recently joined Instagram, so maybe all of that will soon be changing.

Also her father reminds the rest of us about all of our daddy issues, as he reported on her casting on TV. Murder me. What does the Williams family Thanksgiving look like? It’s probably everyone just doing the Taylor Swift surprised face all night and then they all get wasted and reveal their most degradingly horrible secrets and then never speak about them again. So all American!

Cut to some stupid opinion piece about how the girls on Girls are also living in Neverland. I know it’s coming let’s just get it over with.

3. This is How We Don’t live up to expectations

Katy Perry has a new music video for This Is How We Do. I actually quite like the song, but she looks like she was either kidnapped and forced to make this video under threat of death or she said “fine, we’ll make a music video, but only if I can be sitting down or laying on the ground most, if not all, of the time.”

I’ve never seen someone so bored shooting their own music video. Somehow I missed the “Birthday” and “Unconditionally” music videos, so that says something I guess. None of these songs are really gaining much traction, which is a bummer because I actually like Prism a lot more than Teenage Dream, but here we are. And then of course it’s a bit racist, because that’s just how we’re gonna keep doing things apparently.

A song with the lyrics, “grabbin tacos, checkin out hotties” deserved way more than what it got. For the love of God Katy you sang for the president!!!! I guess not all of your singles can be #1’s. Just most of them.

4. Cheetah Girls, Cheetah HATES THE KARDASHIANS

Adrienne Bailon is trying SO HARD to get some kind of fame back in her life cause she’s whining about Rob Kardashian. Womp womp. I’m more interested in this Kardashian story, to be truly honest:

IMG_0838

I RELATE KENDALL. Fame has also worked against me!!!! The fact that I don’t have it is TORTURE.

Anyway, who were we talking about again? NEXT.

5. #ReadyforHillaryDuff

HILLARY DUFF is back!!! After 7 years, Hill is back making music thank god. I didn’t love her new song, Chasing the Sun, but even the sheer fact that she has returned to us is filling me with such joy and strength. I wish she was back doing a movie or something, but this will do for now.

Makes me yearn for other celebs that have faded into the background to come back to me! When will Lindsay Lohan release new music? Heidi Montag? Mike Meyers? We really didn’t know how good we had it in 2009.

OTHER BULLET POINTS I COULD NOT CARE LESS ABOUT

  • Woody Allen’s new move sucks apparently. I’m not seeing it because I try not to watch things made by people who rape children, but that’s just me.
  • JLaw is single which has literally no effect on anyone’s life.
  • Beyonce and Jay Z aren’t breaking up but WOULDN’t THAT BE also an event that effects almost no one.

CELEBRITIES! what will they bore us with next??????

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