Archive

Monthly Archives: August 2014

  1. DANITY KANE BROKE UP again 😥

I never thought this day would come. Here I am, writing a blog post that ten people will look at, just going about my day the only way I really know how. In the wake of this tragedy, strangers have come together in sweet displays of solidarity. “Do do you have a first aid kit handy?” we all seem to be saying to each other. But of course, we don’t need words. We all know that our hearts are damaged (damaged).

Never has a punch to the back of the head been so completely earth shattering. I’ve already requested that this been seen as an excused absence for my class on Monday, and I expect all of you to do the same. It seems impossible to keep going on in a world without Danity Kane, and yet here we are. Doing the impossible.

  1. Where is Ibiza

I still don’t know where Ibiza is because I wasn’t there. But you know who was there? Everyone I give a shit about and a lot of people I don’t give a shit about. Most importantly, PARIS HILTON AND KIM K REUNITED. Paris Hilton is my BFF, despite the fact that I never appeared on Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. She’s a DJ and she has a pug now, but she took the time out to reunite with her bestie from 2007, Paris Hilton. 

God I love socialites (not socialists I’m not even totally sure what those are). Not just because they’re living the exact live I want to live and they get to call themselves celebutantes (fun fact: that is what I prefer to be called in the bedroom), but because they’re insane. I wonder what they talked about!!! Did Paris update Kim on her model airplane building? Did Kim congratulate Paris on her new song? DID PARIS EXPRESS REGRET FOR NOT CREATING AN IPHONE APP?? These are the things that keep me up at night.

Next I just need a Paris Hilton and Britney Spears reunion and a recreation of this photo:

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And I’ll be able to die peacefully and my soul can move on to the other side. 

  1. HOW DID BLAKE LIVELY NOT HAVE A WEBSITE BEFORE NOW

Any week that features two of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants girls is a good week for me. First Alexis Bledel got married to not Kostas, but Pete from Mad Men, and then Blake Lively’s lifestyle website got some attention. The fact that it’s not called something like BE LIVELY with BLAKE LIVELY is, frankly, disgusting, but whatever.

If anyone is qualified to tell me how to live my best life, it’s Blake Lively. Her hair is amazing!! I’m gonna guess though that the secret to living my best life is having a boat load of money. As far as advice goes, that’s not the worst. Let the blonde girl have her website, I say! In a world where Cinderella is being played by a brunette, we need to claim all the space we can.

  1. Crazy in Love with selling concert tickets

Because a woman who created an entire album along with 20 videos in complete secret obviously has NO CONTROL over her image, the Beyonce and Jay Z divorce rumors are totally true

Yeah, probably not, but I don’t really care either way. I never understand when people freak out over celebrity divorces. Your parents got divorced a long time ago, but when Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs break up, then you stop believing in love? Alright then. 

  1. Former first lady of not being hilarious, more like!! cause she’s funny and that’s saying that she used to be not funny. which is different than she is now.

I don’t care much for politics, to be totally honest. If I had to rank things I’m excited to vote for it would probably be like…senators and whatever the fuck else last, president second, then Best Female Pop Artist at the VMA’s. If I could combine the last two into just one position, I probably would.

But Hillary Clinton was hilarious and a total badass on The Colbert Report and there’s nothing I enjoy more than a non-comedy actor trying to be funny on a comedy show and trying really hard!! There’s something so genuinely earnest about it, which is charming and not something I, a soulless humanoid, typically feel connected to. But this was nice. Though I’m fully expecting her to host SNL next, with Bill on as musical guest.

POLITICAL HUMOR is still so in and I’m really attuned to it and not tired of it at all.

As long as there are famous people and I am not one of them, I will always be that girl who isn’t popular but is OBSESSED with the popular kids and I know their blood types and I have a perfect memory for what they’ve said and when they said it and why. Here’s where a Mean Girls quote would go. Just pick your fave. ;*

Pop culture on Friday? Pop culture on Friday.

1. The Miranda Kerr-fuffle

I literally have not payed any attention to this at all except simply pausing to wonder why terrible things keep happening to Orlando Bloom. His house was robbed by the bling ring, now this…whole thing. Someone punched someone, and Justin Bieber posted a sad Orlando to his Instagram. Celebrity instagram fights are a godsend and every day I imagine what 2007-2009 would have been like with them. I honestly don’t think this world would have survived into the 2010’s.

BUT the most shocking thing about this whole ordeal is that Orlando Bloom is a FORTY YEAR OLD MAN almost. C’mon dude. I know you play the pussy character in every movie you’ve been in but like get a grip. It’s over!!! Your rom com days are here, go mack on a 20 year old rising It Girl like you’re supposed to at this point in your career!

Or you know go back to doing nothing because seriously when was the last time we were hearing about Orlando Bloom? I’m bored already.

2. Allison Williams is Method Acting

Allison Williams is going to be Peter Pan because who the fuck else would be Peter Pan. Of course the pressing question on everyone’s minds is: WILL SHE BE GETTING A PIXIE CUT???

I love Allison Williams because she’s gorgeous and I think she plays a great Marnie on Girls (can we take a moment to imagine the RAGE the fictional Marnie would have at not getting the role of Peter Pan???) but she is kind of like the not-as-famous Anne Hathaway. But she recently joined Instagram, so maybe all of that will soon be changing.

Also her father reminds the rest of us about all of our daddy issues, as he reported on her casting on TV. Murder me. What does the Williams family Thanksgiving look like? It’s probably everyone just doing the Taylor Swift surprised face all night and then they all get wasted and reveal their most degradingly horrible secrets and then never speak about them again. So all American!

Cut to some stupid opinion piece about how the girls on Girls are also living in Neverland. I know it’s coming let’s just get it over with.

3. This is How We Don’t live up to expectations

Katy Perry has a new music video for This Is How We Do. I actually quite like the song, but she looks like she was either kidnapped and forced to make this video under threat of death or she said “fine, we’ll make a music video, but only if I can be sitting down or laying on the ground most, if not all, of the time.”

I’ve never seen someone so bored shooting their own music video. Somehow I missed the “Birthday” and “Unconditionally” music videos, so that says something I guess. None of these songs are really gaining much traction, which is a bummer because I actually like Prism a lot more than Teenage Dream, but here we are. And then of course it’s a bit racist, because that’s just how we’re gonna keep doing things apparently.

A song with the lyrics, “grabbin tacos, checkin out hotties” deserved way more than what it got. For the love of God Katy you sang for the president!!!! I guess not all of your singles can be #1’s. Just most of them.

4. Cheetah Girls, Cheetah HATES THE KARDASHIANS

Adrienne Bailon is trying SO HARD to get some kind of fame back in her life cause she’s whining about Rob Kardashian. Womp womp. I’m more interested in this Kardashian story, to be truly honest:

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I RELATE KENDALL. Fame has also worked against me!!!! The fact that I don’t have it is TORTURE.

Anyway, who were we talking about again? NEXT.

5. #ReadyforHillaryDuff

HILLARY DUFF is back!!! After 7 years, Hill is back making music thank god. I didn’t love her new song, Chasing the Sun, but even the sheer fact that she has returned to us is filling me with such joy and strength. I wish she was back doing a movie or something, but this will do for now.

Makes me yearn for other celebs that have faded into the background to come back to me! When will Lindsay Lohan release new music? Heidi Montag? Mike Meyers? We really didn’t know how good we had it in 2009.

OTHER BULLET POINTS I COULD NOT CARE LESS ABOUT

  • Woody Allen’s new move sucks apparently. I’m not seeing it because I try not to watch things made by people who rape children, but that’s just me.
  • JLaw is single which has literally no effect on anyone’s life.
  • Beyonce and Jay Z aren’t breaking up but WOULDN’t THAT BE also an event that effects almost no one.

CELEBRITIES! what will they bore us with next??????