dream internships

Every time I hear a white person my age describe an “internship” as “slavery” I want to kill myself. Yeah, the system is flawed but, like, I don’t think getting someone’s coffee is on par with being enslaved. If I had a choice between being an unpaid intern or a literal slave, I’d probably go with the first one. Manual labor does not look as good on a resume!!

1. Intern on The Bachelorette

I’ve seen about four seconds of The Bachelor(ette) and as far as I can understand, it’s not particularly for me. I’ve been in a pretty serious relationship (serious, as in, we only have sex wearing business suits, if you don’t understand then I guess you have commitment issues or something) for nearly three years now and the idea of getting engaged makes me want to slowly perish in a fire a la the Baudelaire parents.

Just doesn’t seem that great of a system, to be honest.

HOWEVER as far as I understand this television show, it involves quite a bit of adventure. I already would like to be a reality show contestant because those people have more fame than they know what to do with!!! Remember that evil lady from The Apprentice? She was great. I’ve never seen that show either. The point is, I think I would be absolutely great at coming up with shit for these people to do. As I said before, I am in a relationship that’s almost three years old. I know how to bring two people together. Namely, myself and someone else. But there are so many things that two people who are going to get engaged should do before getting engaged.

FOR EXAMPLE:

  • Play Mario Kart together. Such a fun way to get to know the person you might want to be around forever until you divorce them. One time, my girlfriend told me she was going to “fuck my dog” while we were playing!
  • A Fifth Harmony concert!
  • Drive around in a convertible, top down, playing a CD I made for them. (The CD is Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” 38 times)
  • One teaches the other to iron something!
  • Have a serious conversation about one of you getting bangs!
  • Go to the movies and then one of you sees a mouse and then have a heated argument about whether or not you should move seats and the theater is getting pretty crowded!
  • Go to a rose garden and then at the end of the episode when the person has to hand out roses, they all get confused because some of them stole some roses from the rose garden and they all get mixed up so they have to start the show all over again!

This would be AMAZING television!!! Internship, more like, head of adventure planning for all people in relationships ever!

2. Kim Kardashian app tester

So I can let her know that the fucking swim suit photo shoot takes too fucking long!! And you can’t even buy a swim suit to wear for it!!!!!!!!

3. App tester

I have a great metabolism, and I love small plates.

4. M&M’s factory intern

First of all, Hershey Park is amazing. Second of all, I don’t know if y’all have tried the birthday cake M&M’s but those things are rad as hell. I would really love to be a part of a company that’s really dedicated to pushing the envelope. Again, so many ideas. Why stop at birthday cake? Red velvet cake. Caramel. Something with rainbow sprinkles. Burger King is putting the Whopper in rainbow colored trash we gotta jump on that bandwagon guys.

5. Writer’s Assistant on House Hunters

I’ve been watching the show for years, I’ve got the formula down pat, and I know all your secrets you Illuminati CIA spy blackhawk down NSA people!! What? Don’t get me all mixed up. All I know is that your show is a lie and I’m gonna crack you all wide fucking open so WAKE UP.

If anyone could get me in contact with the heads of people in question in this post, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and goodnight.

 

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