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Monthly Archives: July 2014

You know her from old classics, like playing oboe in the high school band and refusing to slow dance with her prom date.  But where are all your old favorite Laura Deans now? We checked in and we found some things you would expect, and maybe some things that would surprise you!

Angry Laura

Laura is still so incredibly angry, which we all totally saw coming! Though instead of focusing all of her anger on herself, she tends to hate more abstract concepts like people who hate Britney Spears and men. Typically she funnels her anger into a series of incoherent tweets or sarcastic Facebook status updates, except when she’s jealous, in which case she writes “WHY” in her diary over and over again. Typical Laura, right?

Desperately Attention Seeking Laura

Still very much present, attention seeking Laura is learning to adapt to being alone almost all of the time. Is she more desperate than in the past? It’s hard to say, but we can be sure that the answer is yes. Right now, Laura spends most of her time trying to figure out how to turn every opportunity into a moment of “PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME.” Just look at what she’s doing right now! Crazy, right? And when she’s not doing that, she’s poorly managing her money on the Kim Kardashian Hollywood app, buying expensive clothes when she should be saving up to buy a vacation home. She plans to keep playing until her avatar dies, because do people follow or unfollow someone when they die?

Gorgeous as Hell Laura

Now she is doing great. Cute as heck, rocking that t-shirt/no bra style like nobody’s damn business. Would we expect anything less?

giphy

That Weird Girl Laura

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING

Fitness Laura

The other day Laura went for a two mile run and now she feels like dying. Never fully maturing beyond infancy, fitness Laura struggles to complete simple activities, like bending her legs properly and feeding herself things that aren’t mini Twix bars. This will probably the last time we ever see her, despite thoughts to the contrary. So cool we got this rare glimpse while we could!

Independent Laura

Present solely due to necessity, Independent Laura is doing great despite the circumstances. Last night, she got drunk independently of anyone around her and shouted at the Queen of Versailles documentary alone her room. So chic!

 

It just goes to show that no matter where the Laura go or what they’re doing, they’ll still always be our classic faves! Who was your #laurafave? Do you like the timeless Sensitive About the Stretchmarks on her Thighs but Hates Feeling Bad About Them Because It Show’s She Is Manipulated by the Patriarch Laura? Or the long gone My Chemical Romance Fan Laura? Either way, you can be sure she’s left rotting mac and cheese on her bedside table. (thumbs up emoji)

 

Every time I hear a white person my age describe an “internship” as “slavery” I want to kill myself. Yeah, the system is flawed but, like, I don’t think getting someone’s coffee is on par with being enslaved. If I had a choice between being an unpaid intern or a literal slave, I’d probably go with the first one. Manual labor does not look as good on a resume!!

1. Intern on The Bachelorette

I’ve seen about four seconds of The Bachelor(ette) and as far as I can understand, it’s not particularly for me. I’ve been in a pretty serious relationship (serious, as in, we only have sex wearing business suits, if you don’t understand then I guess you have commitment issues or something) for nearly three years now and the idea of getting engaged makes me want to slowly perish in a fire a la the Baudelaire parents.

Just doesn’t seem that great of a system, to be honest.

HOWEVER as far as I understand this television show, it involves quite a bit of adventure. I already would like to be a reality show contestant because those people have more fame than they know what to do with!!! Remember that evil lady from The Apprentice? She was great. I’ve never seen that show either. The point is, I think I would be absolutely great at coming up with shit for these people to do. As I said before, I am in a relationship that’s almost three years old. I know how to bring two people together. Namely, myself and someone else. But┬áthere are so many things that two people who are going to get engaged should do before getting engaged.

FOR EXAMPLE:

  • Play Mario Kart together. Such a fun way to get to know the person you might want to be around forever until you divorce them. One time, my girlfriend told me she was going to “fuck my dog” while we were playing!
  • A Fifth Harmony concert!
  • Drive around in a convertible, top down, playing a CD I made for them. (The CD is Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” 38 times)
  • One teaches the other to iron something!
  • Have a serious conversation about one of you getting bangs!
  • Go to the movies and then one of you sees a mouse and then have a heated argument about whether or not you should move seats and the theater is getting pretty crowded!
  • Go to a rose garden and then at the end of the episode when the person has to hand out roses, they all get confused because some of them stole some roses from the rose garden and they all get mixed up so they have to start the show all over again!

This would be AMAZING television!!! Internship, more like, head of adventure planning for all people in relationships ever!

2. Kim Kardashian app tester

So I can let her know that the fucking swim suit photo shoot takes too fucking long!! And you can’t even buy a swim suit to wear for it!!!!!!!!

3. App tester

I have a great metabolism, and I love small plates.

4. M&M’s factory intern

First of all, Hershey Park is amazing. Second of all, I don’t know if y’all have tried the birthday cake M&M’s but those things are rad as hell. I would really love to be a part of a company that’s really dedicated to pushing the envelope. Again, so many ideas. Why stop at birthday cake? Red velvet cake. Caramel. Something with rainbow sprinkles. Burger King is putting the Whopper in rainbow colored trash we gotta jump on that bandwagon guys.

5. Writer’s Assistant on House Hunters

I’ve been watching the show for years, I’ve got the formula down pat, and I know all your secrets you Illuminati CIA spy blackhawk down NSA people!! What? Don’t get me all mixed up. All I know is that your show is a lie and I’m gonna crack you all wide fucking open so WAKE UP.

If anyone could get me in contact with the heads of people in question in this post, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and goodnight.