I have womanly concerns and I would like to share them with you and advance all of womankind every Friday from now until I DIE.
They say (scientists? doctors? someone, anyway) that your body regenerates cells completely every seven years. I’ve been eating burritos regularly since I was 14, and I’m about turn 21, so soon there will not be a cell on my body that hasn’t encountered burritos.
I’m pretty experienced with all tortilla-based foods, but burritos have a special place in my heart because they are incredibly delicious. I’ve eaten burritos in a car, at a park, walking down the street in downtown Boston, in my pajamas, pretty much anywhere I can eat a burrito, I will eat a burrito.
So imagine my distress when I realized that some of my dearest friends are afraid of eating burritos in public.
Ladies!!! Why are you denying yourself the pleasure??
I eat my burritos proudly and without abandon. I shove as much rice, chicken, guacamole, tomatoes, etc. into my face-hole as I possibly can fit and let it get everywhere and it is empowering. In a world where they take so much away from us, why let them have this too?
Part of me does understand though. I hate eating burgers and ribs in public because I feel like a caveman gnawing off the meat of my capture and later I’m going to floss my teeth with its skin. And who are we kidding? Like I would floss in any scenario in which I am eating something, regardless of the time period!
So I would like to offer some tips on eating burritos in public for those who are too afraid!
1. KEEP THE DAMN THING IN THE TIN FOIL
Honestly, this is a pet peeve of mine not just simply a tip, but why the hell do all of you unwrap the burrito out of it’s little tin foil dwelling? Don’t do that. It’s painful to see. It hurts me, it hurts you. Just keep it covered. It is totally necessary in order for the burrito to keep its shape. Just slowly pull back the foil as you eat the burrito, never exposing more than inch of burrito flesh inside.
But DO NOT TEAR THE TIN FOIL OFF. Keep it in one piece, so if you don’t finish your burrito you can wrap it back up and stow it in your purse and forget about it until it starts smelling terribly! (Disclosure: this has only happened to me twice.)
2. Get a fork.
Or use your fingers if you’re daring, but since you are a dainty princess who is just taking her first foray into public burrito consumption, you’re probably not ready to take that step.
Think of the inside your burrito like organs in a body. Sometimes, you need to arrange those organs into the perfect bite. For instance, I usually have this problem when guacamole gets all squished up on the side, so I slide some of it over to the other end. I also have this problem with the spleen.
Don’t let all your rice fall out of one side!!! Move that shit over with your fingers or possibly a fork. It will change EVERYTHING.
3. Start small and abandon all hope of looking decent!!!
Get a soft shell taco and try some of this shit out! Sit in the train station and shove some nachos in your mouth without pause! It’s like my therapist says, even baby steps are progress. Just make a Mexican munching vision board and get to it.
One day you will master public burrito eating and with that you will realize the key to your own future! Or possibly everyone will just think you’re a monster, which is an accomplishment as well, since, like, you don’t really want to talk to anyone anyway, right? Just read my blog forever and we can be disgusting outcasts together.
GO FORTH AND APPLY THESE TIPS.
First public burrito eating, and then the world.