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Monthly Archives: March 2014

People, I am what you would call “adorably disgusting.” Or at least that’s how I think of myself. I’m sure certain people would disagree, but the fact is that I’m pretty messy in almost all aspects of life, including personal appearance, eating habits, pretty much everything that you can think of, I have fucked up in a disgusting way.

But I am damn cute, and I know that because I was hit on by a man outside of a Wendy’s who thought I was 16.

So a fine layer of filth covering my person is practically inadmissible, and I’m betting that it’s admissible for you too. I can practically guarantee that people don’t really give a fuck what you look like. It’s hard to let go off that deeply ingrained shame that comes with living as a woman in America, but it’s so freeing!!! Let yourself go!!

That brings me to my main point here – please wear leggings as pants.

I guess you don’t necessarily have to, but you should. They are comfortable, nice, and underneath a pair of tights, are very warm. I love it, and I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the entire world.

There has been a lot of great writing/performance art on the Internet from ladies hatin’ on The Man telling them what trends they hate and I love it.

But even ladies are rejecting the leggings as pants way of life and that’s what gets me down. Somehow it’s supposed to be trashy or cheap or like that guy would say on What Not To Wear sometimes (which liberal arts college taught me was PATRIARCHAL BULLSHIT) and my mom would repeat “if you’re going to go out in pajamas then you shouldn’t have gone out at all.”

Fuck that. I’ll go out in whatever I want.

I used to have this theory about college admissions, but I think it applies here too, and it also happens to be a key part of the movie Stick It. If we all just stopped caring, then normal standards would drop, and we would all be better for it.

I’m not saying that it’s not worth it to get dressed up every once in a while. Right now I’m wearing a skirt and red lipstick in a library on a Friday evening. But please wear leggings as pants more because I’m tired of being the lowest of the low y’all. And until I can get some knockoff Chanel leggings with those C’s on the knees or whatever, I’m not going to be able to rise above ever.

Help a sister out and be comfortable at the same time!! Solidarity! Join with your sisters and other gender nonconforming siblings and lower standards all over the world!

I have womanly concerns and I would like to share them with you and advance all of womankind every Friday from now until I DIE.

They say (scientists? doctors? someone, anyway) that your body regenerates cells completely every seven years. I’ve been eating burritos regularly since I was 14, and I’m about turn 21, so soon there will not be a cell on my body that hasn’t encountered burritos. 

I’m pretty experienced with all tortilla-based foods, but burritos have a special place in my heart because they are incredibly delicious. I’ve eaten burritos in a car, at a park, walking down the street in downtown Boston, in my pajamas, pretty much anywhere I can eat a burrito, I will eat a burrito.

So imagine my distress when I realized that some of my dearest friends are afraid of eating burritos in public.

Ladies!!! Why are you denying yourself the pleasure??

I eat my burritos proudly and without abandon. I shove as much rice, chicken, guacamole, tomatoes, etc. into my face-hole as I possibly can fit and let it get everywhere and it is empowering. In a world where they take so much away from us, why let them have this too?

Part of me does understand though. I hate eating burgers and ribs in public because I feel like a caveman gnawing off the meat of my capture and later I’m going to floss my teeth with its skin. And who are we kidding? Like I would floss in any scenario in which I am eating something, regardless of the time period!

So I would like to offer some tips on eating burritos in public for those who are too afraid!

1. KEEP THE DAMN THING IN THE TIN FOIL

Honestly, this is a pet peeve of mine not just simply a tip, but why the hell do all of you unwrap the burrito out of it’s little tin foil dwelling? Don’t do that. It’s painful to see. It hurts me, it hurts you. Just keep it covered. It is totally necessary in order for the burrito to keep its shape. Just slowly pull back the foil as you eat the burrito, never exposing more than inch of burrito flesh inside.

But DO NOT TEAR THE TIN FOIL OFF. Keep it in one piece, so if you don’t finish your burrito you can wrap it back up and stow it in your purse and forget about it until it starts smelling terribly! (Disclosure: this has only happened to me twice.)

2. Get a fork.

Or use your fingers if you’re daring, but since you are a dainty princess who is just taking her first foray into public burrito consumption, you’re probably not ready to take that step.

Think of the inside your burrito like organs in a body. Sometimes, you need to arrange those organs into the perfect bite. For instance, I usually have this problem when guacamole gets all squished up on the side, so I slide some of it over to the other end. I also have this problem with the spleen.

Don’t let all your rice fall out of one side!!! Move that shit over with your fingers or possibly a fork. It will change EVERYTHING.

3. Start small and abandon all hope of looking decent!!!

Get a soft shell taco and try some of this shit out! Sit in the train station and shove some nachos in your mouth without pause! It’s like my therapist says, even baby steps are progress. Just make a Mexican munching vision board and get to it.

One day you will master public burrito eating and with that you will realize the key to your own future! Or possibly everyone will just think you’re a monster, which is an accomplishment as well, since, like, you don’t really want to talk to anyone anyway, right? Just read my blog forever and we can be disgusting outcasts together.

GO FORTH AND APPLY THESE TIPS.

First public burrito eating, and then the world.
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