being unstuck

Alright I have to be real with y’all.

My head’s not really been in the game because life has pretty much sucked lately.

It doesn’t help that summer’s ending, and even though that means I’m going back to school and back to the city and back to my girlfriend and my friends, it also means that something is ending, which is rough considering I’m a highly emotional person.

You know that dick that’s always, like, “I GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE IMMEDIATELY” in pretty much every single teen movie ever? That’s me. That’s pretty much who I model my complete personality on. So the last four months (the VERY LAST four months) in my hometown have been rough.

I associate college with FREEDOM and LIFE and LIBERTY and the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. Well, not so much those last two, but I do have the liberty to continue pursuing a sexual relationship with my girlfriend which makes me pretty happy, so by the transitive property of lesbian sex, college is dictated by the US Constitution…? I don’t really know where I was going with that.

See, this is what I’m talking about guys. I’m totally off my blogging game. A month ago, that would have been a solid statement.

So I’m that douche in teen coming of age films, but I’m also that other douche who’s like “Yeah, but, like, what does life mean anyway” so I’m having a bit of an existential crisis. Which for me is a pretty common thing, and it happens at least once a day, but this one involved finding my old Tamagotchi and being really sad that it’ll never live again, so it’s been pretty traumatizing.

I’m not a huge fan of change. But I also get bored easily. I want to leave but I don’t want to grow up. I want to have a cool job and be successful and begin my life, but I also feel hopeless and dejected when I actually try to get things done. I’m sick of everyone, including myself, complain about how their lives have no direction, but I also hate people who seem to have it all planned out and then, you know, follow through with those plans instead of being fully consumed with angst and whining about it on their blog.

BUT I really want this space to be a positive one, and not to contain my existential whining. Or I guess I would like it contain as little of my whining as possible. 2% existential whining, ideally.

Positivity is a really hard thing to do though. I don’t know if you’ve noticed that, but it’s hard. Forcing yourself to be positive is rough. One thing you’re supposed to do is sit in front a mirror and literally just say positive things to yourself. I have never felt like more of a dickhead than one time when I looked at myself in Photobooth (obviously way too lazy to get up and move to an actual mirror) and said shit like “You deserve happiness.”

Which is true, completely. Everyone deserves to be happy. I just feel like a moron when I look myself in the eye and say, “You are intelligent and capable.”

It’s so hard to do something that should be so easy. I’m pretty narcissistic, really, so daily affirmations should be like, “yeah duh but tell me more.” But usually it’s, like, the most painful way to kill time before Breaking Bad.

So how do you stay positive when making yourself stay positive feels awful and cheap and lame and then moping feels stupid and then you spend all afternoon staring at pictures of tattooed hot girls and then you feel even dumber than before??

Sometimes it feels like everything is useless and meaningless but then I’m like “alright well if that’s the case then why should I care what I do if none of it matters in the first place.”

So I just get stuck.

The one thing I’m definitely going to miss the most when I leave is the corner of my bedroom with two windows on either side of it. It’s been the best place. I’m sitting here writing this now, and I’ve written so much other crap here too, and read so many books sitting here. When I can’t sleep, I’ve slept on the floor in this little corner.

I know I’ll carve out little spaces like this wherever I go, but it’s sad that it means I have to leave this one behind.

Life is a scary place. It is for me, anyway. And I think life is generally kind of hard for most people. But I just don’t want to be stuck any more. And that means moving on and picking myself up and being a real person who is functioning in the society in which she lives.

So I’m going to start doing that more consistently. I don’t really know how to do it, but I’m going to do it. Somehow. With regularity. And I think part of it is physically leaving behind a place where I feel safe.

Regularly scheduled nonsense will return shortly, I just needed to talk this out with my spam comments and just get something out there. Break the ice, if you will. Re-break it, I guess.

So, positivity in the face of the coming, horrible unknown. Or possibly great unknown also.

I’m doing so well, so far.

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