review: facebook

As my quest for Internet fame continues, there’s one social media website that I have still not dared to exploit, and that is Facebook.

And that’s mostly because Facebook is awful and horrible and terrifying and I hate it. But also because sharing this on Facebook means that instead of sharing this with my friends on tumblr and twitter, I’m sharing it with other people who don’t really know me and aren’t my friends.

I’m not worried about humiliating myself though. That’s not the problem. I’m just afraid of making people feel inadequate because they can never hope or dream to have it all together like I obviously do.

Screen Shot 2013-08-06 at 6.58.20 PM

what people probably imagine when they see my name on Facebook

Who are we kidding, it’s definitely because I’m afraid of making an idiot out of myself. I have to admit sometimes I feel tres 2007 when I write on this blog because who the fuck does this anymore? Nobody that I know. But I’m just going to keep doing it because it makes me happy and yeah, that’s the point (when can we start having inside jokes?).

Facebook is just this weird little universe, and I have to admit that I’ve taken most people’s updates off my newsfeed, but then I started to follow on twitter whatever I liked on Facebook, and now my Facebook is pretty much just a worse version of my twitter because my mom is on Facebook.

Note: Do not ever joke to your mom that she should get a Facebook account. It has ruined my goddamn life. I blocked her once thinking I could just unblock her, but blocking someone unfriends them (duh) and she brings up that I unfriended her on Facebook at least three times a week. IT HAPPENED YEARS AGO. I was still in high school I think. That’s how long ago it was. Upside: I know Facebook’s privacy settings better than I know my own Social Security Number.

But Facebook has a few positives, I have to admit. As a young, feminist lesbian who currently resides with some more conservative family members, I find that it is most beneficial to express my liberal rage in the form of angry debates on misogyny. My relatives would thank these people, but it doesn’t stop me from taking it out on them at all, and recently I walked out of a taco place after screaming at my brother about my “biological tendency” to prefer higher testosterone levels.

Which is strange because I love tacos. I really shouldn’t have taken it out on them.

Facebook is one of those things that when I say I hate it, people go “ooh, so edgy” and I’m like, “I wasn’t trying to be edgy it’s a piece of shit” and then I wallow in the small self-esteem boost that I get when people like my Facebook status. It’s a painful, deadly circle. I don’t have the Facebook app because I’m above that shit, but then I constantly just go on it on Safari anyway and then I hate myself even more.

It’s not even the fact that no one has really anything interesting to say, or I hate seeing people’s vacation photos, or something like that. I don’t even know what it is. It feels like when your parents ask you, “hey, what’s up with that girl you haven’t spoken to in years?” and you’re like, “Um, I don’t know mom? I called her a slut once and now she hates me. We’re still at that point in our relationship.” That’s how I feel when I use Facebook. Like I’m weirdly being asked to make nice with my former acquaintances.

And if you’ve ever had to do a group project with someone without a Facebook account, you know why I can’t delete my profile.

I’m just looking forward to the day when I’m old enough to be on Gchat all the time and I’ll just only use Facebook to untag myself from drunk photos.

Until then, I’m going to start trying to exploit my Facebook more.

Because I think that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. And maybe it’ll make me hate myself just a little less.

FINAL REVIEW: it’s probably best to just live in a little hole in the woods and never ever social network again.

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