I spend most of my time trying to get people to look past my model good looks and getting them to see the hilarious, intelligent, human being that I am. People think that just because I was born with a light dusting of freckles that just naturally highlight my cheekbones that I’m vapid or shallow, and that simply is not true. I’ve seen the Britney Spears documentary now about 4 times, which shows that I deeply care for the innermost thoughts of people, and this was right after I began a re-read of William Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury which is my favorite novel told in a nonlinear structure that describes the ruins of an old Southern family and the way they are or are not adapting to the changing social structure around them in post-Civil War America. At least I’m planning to start that re-read. I have to write a blog post about myself first.
I just want all of you to know how hard it is for me to write this blog post and publish it for all 20 of you to read. I constantly strive to be seen as more than just a beautiful, gorgeous face with amazing hair and a great body that I do little to no work to maintain.
But I just can’t let this injustice go on any longer. There are parts on this handcrafted by God (I don’t actually believe in God for the record) human being that I am that just don’t get the attention they deserve. Now prepare to behold, all the underrated parts of my body.
1. My ankles
Great ankles aren’t something you can work toward. There are no ankle workouts. There is no couch to amazing ankles app for the iPhone that gives you two weeks free and then forces you to upgrade so you can get the ankles of your dreams. Great ankles are thrust upon those who God (again, I don’t know why I keep bringing God up I’m really not religious at all like I don’t even care about religion and I’m not anti-religion in fact I think organized religion can be a great place to teach children moral lessons that they may not get elsewhere which is not to say that atheists can’t be good parents but of course they can be it’s just what parenting style works for you honestly) thinks can handle that privilege.
I am one of those chosen ones. I seriously love my ankles. Sometimes I’ll catch a glimpse of them and think “damn girl you got some ankles on you” and then realize I’m talking to myself and then I feel attracted to myself, which can be weirdly confusing sometimes but then I just go with it.
I just really wish my ankles would get more attention. Instead of a random guy driving up behind me and hollering at me from his vehicle about my “long sexy legs” (real and recent occurrence also I’M FIVE FEET AND TWO INCHES the only thing long about these legs is how long it takes me to run a mile because I’m really bad at running because my legs are SHORT) someone could tap me on the shoulder and say “hey girl I noticed those ankles in those sneakers you’re wearing” and then I could look deeply into their eyes and say “why thank you I inherited them from my grandmother” and they would run away terrified because that is not how you properly respond to an ankle compliment. How do you properly respond to an ankle compliment? I don’t know because no one has ever complimented my ankles so this is just a mystery that will have to go unsolved.
2. The inside of my bottom lip
Okay yes obviously not many people would really get to understand the beauty of this part of my body because who’s going to look in the inside of my mouth. But who better to ask than a dental hygienist.
Recently my mom went to get her teeth cleaned to find that our family dentist now does Botox injections. After inquiring, apparently the dental hygienist commented on how plump her daughter’s lips were. When presented with this information, I made a joke about hitting on our dental hygienist, and as a lesbian who kept this secret gay part of herself hidden for quite some time because her mother once said (exact words) “You know, I liked it better when everyone was just in the closet,” the dinner table isn’t exactly the best place to try out my specific brand of lesbian humor. It was not met with the uproar of laughter that it would have it was somewhere else.
But anyway, yeah, even my dentist says I have awesome lips. What has your dentist said about your lips recently, huh? Yeah, nothing. That’s what I thought. Like, if I had to pick a lip expert, it would be a dental hygienist for sure. Who has seen more lips than those people? Very few people I think.
I am a complete package people. So next time your like, “Wow, look at Laura’s beautiful, feminine hands” take a second and realize, you know what, she is just way more than that. She also has great ankles and I bet the inside of her lips are gorgeous.
I’ve run out of synonyms for “perfect” to describe my body, but I can assure you that this segment will be back when I come up with others.