Make the Internet less awful (part one of infinity)

As the quest for Internet celebrity continues, I have found that writing about lesbian sex brings a lot of attention to you. We’ll just add that to the long list of the perks of being gay. Quick shout out to everyone who found this blog through various searches involving the word “cunnilingus.” I genuinely hope you stick around and comment and then I’ll comment back and then we’ll be lifelong friends, because I seriously would love a friendship that evolved through “cunnilingus.” The word, not the action. Although I’d be okay with that as well.

I would love to write more about lesbian sex because I am all about exploiting certain aspects of your life for fame and fortune, but I simply just can’t. Mostly because it’s distinctly missing from my life at the moment due to the fact that my girlfriend lives 200 miles away from me, but also because that person probably doesn’t want our sexual exploits described on the Internet, especially not to make me more famous because she’s a just and modest person. And I’d like to continue our relationship because who else would like my personal tumblr posts? And also because I don’t deal with being single very well. I am not known for exiting gracefully, in any sense of the phrase.

So we’re keeping it under wraps for now so I don’t reveal any more of my dickheadish tendencies and get myself dumped. And I’ve been managing to do this for a while in terms of all of my relationships, and because I am a homebody who is generally terrified of the outside world, I maintain and create pretty much all friendships through the Internet. Those things combined have come together in this short little advice column.

We’ll call it How Not to Be That Guy Online. It’s worth noting that this is (a) a working title, and (b) “guy” in this case is being in a gender neutral sense. We can all be that guy, regardless of gender presentation (tip: trying to control someone’s gender presentation would get you labeled as “that guy.” See how I artfully avoided that? Keep reading for all these tips and more!)

The first and most important word of advice I have for all those secret dickheads like myself out there is this: self-deprecation is key. If you admit to being a dickhead, like I have three or four times in this one blog post alone, no one can make you feel bad for calling you a dickhead! Obviously this is within reason. Like, don’t, you know, be an actual jerk to people who don’t deserve it. I’ll leave it up to your best judgement to muddle through these things, but it goes without saying that you shouldn’t be an Internet bully because that is also called cyberbullying and I saw a made for TV movie that aired on ABC Family about it and it got pretty out of hand by the looks of it.

What I’m saying is that you can get away with a lot more than you think you can. People who actually try to be good people get scrutinized so harshly. Just lower people’s expectations so that you can be a dick most of a time, and then you can tweet something really nice or progressive and everyone will be so impressed with you. Trust me, this works way more than it should.

Now for my next tip, it’s important to remember that Internet Douchebaggery can spread through several social networking platforms. The best way to avoid this is to pretend you don’t give a shit about anything that’s not Twitter, Facebook, or Tumblr. But if you’re anything like me, you fucking love Instagram way more than a human being should. A passion for taking shitty photos and making them look all vintagey cannot and should not be hidden!

But I also realize that there are some things that don’t belong on Instagram. Do with your selfies as you wish, I know that the arrangement of those is a personal decision that is not made lightly. However, I try to make sure that I don’t have more than one selfie per row of three Instagrams. It’s just what works for me. But I’m talking about pictures that you see in your feed and you’re like “…c’mon dude.”

This includes, but is not limited to: funerals, memorial services, candlelight vigils, births, and gratuitous pictures of your lunch when you eat the same thing for lunch every day. How many pictures of sandwiches are you going to post? It’s just getting out of hand.

A good rule of thumb when trying to determine whether or not you’re being That Guy on Instagram, if you would look like an asshat pointing your iPhone at whatever you’re Instagramming, you probably shouldn’t post it on Instagram. Don’t take photos of sad dogs off the ASPCA website and slap Earlybird on top of it! The only thing honest about that is that the sweet sweet puppy would look sadly into your iPhone camera while weeping, “why must you exploit my sadness?”

Other pet peeves: fucking tag your shit with actual real tags of your damn photos. And dont twitpic the same pictures that you Instagram please for the love of god.

We’re going to end this on a positive note, however, because I believe we were all put on this Earth to make everyone’s days shine a little brighter by “liking” their dumb posts on Facebook. This is something I need to work on myself because I am a bitter, jealous dickhead (just weave things like this in naturally) but be obscenely generous with your “likes” and “favorites” and whatever the fuck else we do now. It’s not like you get a limited number of them, and unless you know you get a little twinge of pride when more than 7 people like your new cover photo. Don’t lie to me. Just make everyone feel like their pitiful Internet existence makes you happy and they’ll carry it like a little smile in their pocket. It’s like complimenting someone when they’re blatantly asking for it. Just make them feel a little better and they’ll do the same thing for you. And if they don’t, you get to secretly hate them and “forget” to write happy birthday on their Facebook wall.

Mostly because I like to think of this blog as a curse upon your souls and all good curses come in threes, those are all the tips I have today. But believe me there is way more you can do to make me not be consumed with rage whenever I go on the Internet. That’s always the ultimate goal. To make me happy.

(and remember that last tip when I’m talking about this on my twitter and tumblr and whatever else hahaha just kidding you don’t have to like it I’ll keep being fucking annoying over here regardless of your actions)


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