review: lesbianism

“Wow, Laura’s gone through 7 blog posts without talking about how gay she is??? This was not what I was expecting at all,” is what no one is thinking because I don’t think anyone gives a shit or has any expectations regarding the content of my blog. But, I am the kind of person who does not shut up about being gay, and I attribute this mostly to the fact that, for a good portion of my life, I was so deeply closeted that I didn’t even realize that there was a closet. So now I have to make up for that and remind people constantly that I like ladies in a very sexual way.

Does it ever cross my mind that I’m being obnoxious about it? Sometimes, yeah, and I’ve had a lot of these moments throughout my life. I have just very recently stopped being a teenager, and I can say with certainty that being a teenager sucks. Being a gay teenager was pretty bad as well, and I’m still annoyed at how much of my time I spent worrying about how I felt about dick.

And let me just say that the Internet does not help at all in these situations. I’m the kind of person that Googles every question she could ever think of, so when I’m 16 and Googling “if I think about having sex with girls, does that mean I’m gay” and every answer is “NO! OF COURSE NOT! Only you can decide your label!!” it gets a little confusing. Not that those statements aren’t true, of course they are, but I needed to add in the fact that I only thought about having sex with girls and I had various crushes on girls but I didn’t know they were crushes because other girls would tell me that I had crushes on boys and I would be like “…sure??”

You know, it was something I worried about for a long time, but one of the best moments that comes along with being gay or being different at all and stressing out about it is the moment you stop giving a shit. I think this is probably a series of moments that happens throughout your life, but there was a day in high school where someone wrote “Dyke” over my last name and the first thought in my head was, “yep.”

It’s honestly one of the prouder moments of my life. Calling anyone a dyke is never cool, we know that, but imagine how much easier coming out would have been if my last name was Dyke? People would be like, “oh Laura Dyke? Right yeah duh she likes girls.” It would have been great. It’s like the name equivalent of playing softball in high school. I would have been set for life.

Unfortunately for Laura Dyke, though, she probably would have found another way to be incredibly confused about her sexuality for years. “Just cause my last name is Dyke doesn’t mean I’m gay,” I would shout with the same intensity that I shouted the fact that just because I could only think of female celebrities when we all discussed the hotness of famous people, it doesn’t mean that I want to have sex with them.

And then later I would think about having sex with them.

So now I approach talking about how gay I am and other gay things with that same attitude. “Yep.” It’s what I like talking about. I think probably some people think I’m silly for constantly brining it up, but it’s not something I care about anymore.

So, with that in mind, here’s are some brief thoughts involving oral sex.

One of my favorite things that straight girls say (and I have compiled a detailed list of them) goes something along the lines of “Women are hot, but I could never be a lesbian because vaginas are gross!!”

And I don’t want to make fun of straight girls because I’m friends with a lot of straight girls and they’re all fine, wonderful people. That’s definitely not my intention, just like their intention when they say that is not to be mean or anything like that. It’s genuinely how they feel, and I appreciate that honesty.

I’ll admit it! Vaginas are not typically great. At the end of the day, it’s still someone’s genitals. I’m not a lesbian because I see a vulva and think, “Yes! I would love to put my mouth on that immediately!” Maybe some lesbians think that, I’m just not one of them. I’m a lesbian because I “liked” Spring Breakers on Facebook to periodically get pictures of Ashley Benson looking like this:

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 3.31.11 PM

and then thinking, “Yeeeeeah, that movie was pretty great.”

And it’s not even like I don’t enjoy giving oral sex, because I totally do. It’s a great time. It wasn’t like I expected at all. You enjoy it a lot more than you think you will, trust me. There’s also the added benefit that comes with giving cunnilingus (what a great word, by the way), which is that no matter what, it’s gonna be pretty great feeling for the other person. I typically go into it the same way I approach any kind of competitive board game or sport: with no strategy and no knowledge of what the hell I’m doing. So far it’s worked out pretty okay for me.

I’m just saying that the vulva (not so great of a word) is not the end-all-be-all for lesbianism. There are also breasts and other stuff that are also really nice. And since I’m in a relationship, there are a lot of lesbians I can’t have sex with. Namely, all of them but one. That’s perfectly fine with me, because there are also a lot of other facets of lesbianism that I can participate in. Like making jokes about Uhauls that my straight friends don’t understand, or trying to convince my two queer friends that I could totally be butch if I wanted to be because I took wood shop in eighth grade and I wasn’t terrible at it.

Being gay is great. I have not loved every second of it, but in the gay world all this shit that comes with it are like little experience points that you just tally up and you can use them to come off as emotionally troubled and deep and sensitive and stuff. That usually works out. Some straight people have a lot of guilt and if you push just the right sympathy button, everyone feels sorry for you and then you get drunk off of the power that you now have.

And you also gain a whole community of people! They’re like the sisters you’ve never had. Except their sisters that you’re also sexually attracted to and you’ve probably hooked up once or twice but it’s okay now because she’s dating someone really great and you fully support that relationship. Or also possibly the two of you dated and now you’re broken up and you continue to make out with each other because you moved in together because all lesbians are idiots and this is what we do.

Everyone should try lesbianism at least once. You don’t necessarily have to go spelunking between a woman’s legs (but if you want to, go for it, you will probably not be disappointed) but maybe give The Real L Word a shot. Listen to some Tegan & Sara and figure out how to tell them apart. Buy some plaid flannel shirts and wear them on the hottest fucking day of the year because that is what all the baby gays do. It’s a good time. Learning how not to care was the greatest thing that my lesbianism has brought me, and I just hope that maybe I can impart that wisdom onto some of the straights.

And then maybe they’ll realize why I never care about their problems.

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