adult female struggles with generally functioning as a human

Saturday evening, my parents left their adult children alone in their home to attend a wedding. I proceeded to steal their booze and store it in two different coffee mugs in my bedroom (vodka in the one with the elegant monogram on it, gin in the one commemorating the Cystic Fibrosis foundation) while my brother ate two entire pizzas by himself in the basement.

I haven’t had this alcohol yet because the last thing I needed was for my parents coming home to a wasted me, lounging on the living room couch, watching Monsters Inc. for the second time on FX. However, I continued the party spirit of last night by continuing to wear the same shirt I slept in and drinking a 1.25 liter bottle of Coke.

Let’s just say that if I was a file sitting in your Documents folder, you’d drag this right into trash. And then empty the trash, but first make sure you’re volume is up all the way to hear the little crinkle noise Macs make when you empty the trash because that noise is high on the list of MacBook pros. (High on the list of MacBook cons: looking like a douchebag.)

There’s nothing like a shitty weekend, especially when that shitty weekend turns into a terrible week, which in turns becomes a shitty month, then a shitty year, and then you’re on your deathbed surrounded by your dumb, shitty children realizing that your whole life was this weird shitty mess.

But at that point you’re dead, so just leave it to others to contemplate your shitty, former existence.

So, to say that I’m having a bad day is a bit of an understatement. You know I’m in a terrible mood when even the idea of Pretty Little Liars coming back tomorrow does nothing to lift my spirits. I’m having the kind of day where a cocaine addiction seems like an acceptable route to move in, despite the fact that I am a white girl in the suburbs currently and the chances of me locating cocaine are slim to none. And there’s also the fact that my nasal passages are often swollen and that doesn’t really seem to facilitate cocaine addiction.

And yet, I’d be willing to try which is more than I can say about most things right now.

Something I like to do when I feel like this is wallow in self-pity and post sad things on Twitter until someone notices me. When I’m not doing that though I like to think about how bad my eyesight is getting, and I can tell it’s getting worse and worse because when I go downstairs to watch Jeopardy I can barely read the clues and my dad reads them before me and shouts out the answer and the shame I feel hurts me deep inside. Also I think about how many liters of sweat has come out of my body since apparently I live in the butthole of Hades. Even my laptop is giving off so much heat and I can’t believe a friend would betray me like this.

What do you guys do when you’re like this?? When you feel dead inside, I mean. I used to read books but I got addicted to DailyGrace a little while ago and my eyesight is getting even worse.

SOMEONE HELP ME not go blind please.


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