When I was younger there were two jobs that I was obsessed with having and those were a ballerina and a teacher. The ballerina dream died pretty early because I refused to sit still or pay attention in ballet class (although I did get this sweet bright purple leotard out of it and I loved it), and I’m pretty sure I only wanted to be a teacher because we had a chalkboard in our basement at the time and I liked writing with chalk. I let go of that dream when I realized that I hated everyone, especially dumb kids and their parents.
So we’re back at square one. Technically right now I’m a professional blogger, which is not something to brag about to the long lost half cousins that I will inevitably run into one day (this isn’t a joke, I actually have long lost half cousins somewhere in the world, somehow that makes this funnier) and it’s not really something I want to keep as an official job for very long after my early twenties. It seems like a very “early-twenties” kind of job option.
Therefore I have to establish a few goals for the future, and I’ve been able to establish the following career options to pursue:
1: Professional Blackmailer
I was explaining this plan to my mother a few days ago. Since I got my iPhone it has been a mission of mine to catch a Senator, or frankly any kind of powerful person, doing something horribly and and outrageously scandalous (sex, drugs, being a giant homo, etc.), snap a photo of it, and slyly use it to blackmail him for the rest of my career.
Mom was not convinced.
“Why would a Senator be anywhere near you at any point?” She asked me.
This is exactly why I would make a perfect candidate. My mom’s suggestion that I don’t normally frequent places that are Sentaorially classy aside, I am able to worm my way into the most dangerous parts of society (college parties, college dorm rooms, lesbian bars when I turn 21), this puts me right in position. Part of my advantage is that no one expects the small town tiny blonde girl to take a photo of you and BAM blackmail you into giving her a penthouse apartment in New York City.
But unfortunately this means I have to memorize each face of every Senator of the United States, plus every other powerful person and that really takes time away from my current day job. If only I were a professional political blogger, then I’d be set. No, I’m more likely to recognize an actor from Teen Wolf than most political figures. So that kind of sets me at a disadvantage.
This job also requires a bit of luck, which I will admit to having on certain occasions, but I lose more cake walks than I win. And also it’s not like I could ever admit to having this job because obviously the secret would be out and that’s just shoddy blackmail work.
So, if you ever meet me in the future and I’m a rich bitch who occupies herself with several different hobbies, I’m definitely NOT blackmailing anyone.
2: Author of the Below the Beltway column in the Washington Post Magazine
So this one is oddly specific in a gross “oh, well I read it the Washington Post Magazine” kind of way so I know you’re already turned off but it does have the word “author” in it, which you have to admit is a way more likely career for me than “blackmailer” so you’re hoping that I might not be completely ridiculous.
I have a longstanding theory that the only people who read this column are me, my mom, and old people in the DC area. I honestly don’t know a single other person in the world who reads this as religiously as I do, and even if you were friends with me you wouldn’t know that I read it. When I’m home I immediately flip to the back of the magazine and read it in print no less, which is probably the most archaic activity I still engage in. But when I’m in college I have to read it online and get barraged by ads begging me to subscribe and I’m like “I can’t! I’m poor! I’m sorry you poor bastards with print media companies!”
This is the column Dave Barry used to write, and I know that also a lot of people my age won’t know who Dave Barry is but he’s funny (sometimes to some people not really to me but he’s known for being a funny guy so Google it and make your own judgements) and right now it’s written by Gene Weingarten who is best known for writing that article about that professional violinist who played in the DC Metro and no one stopped because we’re uncultured swine who can’t recognize talent. It’s a pretty good article (it won a Pulitzer so don’t just take it from me) and I honestly find Gene Weingarten hilarious most of the time, and reading this column has been one of the best parts of my week for years.
That said. And trust me I hate to say this but writing is a cutthroat business but…the guys gettin’ old.
And I’m just what the magazine business needs! A new, fresh, young voice who has never held a job that pays above minimum wage! I’m one of those dickish “millennials” that old people have been up in arms about lately, so obviously I am The Future. And I know what Twitter and Instagram is so if they weren’t incontinent before turning 75 they sure will be when they meet me. And I’m a white girl writing about being a white girl so the amount of media scrutiny I get will be on par with every other famous white girl and it’ll bring new life the The Washington Post Magazine!
I’m pretty much planning to copy and paste all of this into my cover letter when I apply next week.
3: Disney Princess
And this is the one that no one understands. I’ll admit to not even fully understanding it myself, honestly. But there’s something about that gorgeous sparkle on the light blue of Cinderella’s dress that just makes me want to parade down the street in one of the most popular attractions on Earth and get adoringly waved at by millions of strangers.
It just probably demonstrates how far the dark, evil claws of the Disney Corporation have sunk into my heart, but I’ve stopped trying to overanalyze. That’s a lie, I’m constantly wondering why I tear up when I watch videos of small children joyously run into the arms of a giant Minnie Mouse. I don’t understand it. Some nostalgia core deep within my circuitry gets manipulated and I turn into a gigantic mass of sentimental mush.
Which obviously makes this the most ideal career for me. I’m already highly emotional at a dangerous level, so being surrounded by constant reminders of my dwindling youth won’t hurt me or damage me at all.
Honestly, we all just want to dress up like princess and get cute photos of us taken by strangers. That’s all I really want. Those girls probably have, like, millions of great options for Facebook profile pictures.
There are so many other jobs that I want that I am so wildly unqualified or unfit to do. All the blog posts I’ve read about blogging say that you have to ask your readers a question to engage them so they comment! Obviously I’m doing the job of “blogger” pretty damn well. SO what are your dream jobs?? This is something I know I’m never going to shut up about so please give me more material to bore people at parties with.