review: online shopping

Mindy Kaling (my hero and role model in every single way) kept a blog in 2007-2008 that was all just things she bought and I’ve been severely addicted to it, so she is completely responsible for this awesomely shallow review of online shopping.

The first thing I ever Googled was Harry Potter and that’s when I discovered that you can find literally anything on the Internet and that is not usually great for an elementary schooler, but as a 20 year old with absolutely no disposable income it’s definitely not great at all. I typically hate shopping in general because I’m cheap as fuck and I can never justify spending $49.99 on a piece of fabric that has been haphazardly arranged by Urban Outfitters factory employee #24601 in some other country mostly because my mom wins blue ribbons at the county fair for her amazing sewing and fabric work and also because I have very particular taste. These things, coupled with the fact that the phrase “do you need help with anything?” tends to send me into a murderous rage makes the Internet a blessed safe haven for me.

There are some issues that I take with it, like the fact that they plaster the words FREE SHIPPING all over the place with a little tiny *on purchases over $200 scribbled next to them, but generally online shopping is great and awesome and I love it. I never actually buy anything because I’m still cheaper than a Jewish banker (I’m dating a Jew and I got an A in Introduction to Judaism so I’m allowed to make these jokes I promise) but I can do it while wearing the same jeans I’ve been wearing since 9th grade and have my hair up in that ratty white girl ponytail that’s only every comfortable after sleeping in it and at that point you’re just committed to it. Also, who the fuck wants to look at dumb, expensive clothes on hangers or headless mannequins when I could look at them on super hot models? If stores really wanted me to come in and buy their crap they should just have hot girls modeling all their stuff for me. Except that would probably intimidate me more, and also it would probably inspire a tweet or two about the commodification of women’s bodies or something and that would be that. Anyway, my latest obsession in online window shopping is Nasty Gal because seriously it’s everything I love in one little Internet boutique and I just want to die everything is so great and I would honestly wear it all.

Take this rainbow fucking skirt for example: Image

If you don’t think that’s fly as hell I don’t want to be friends with you. Just imagine if I had this skirt!! I’d be the toast of gay prides everywhere. Cupcake stores would ask me to model for them and I could be their social media intern on the side because I’m super savvy and smart and capable of taking risks. That’s what this skirt says to me. Unfortunately it also says that it’s $70 and the matching (MATCHING) rainbow crop top (side note on crop tops: I fucking love them but I’m not sure I can wear one because my body type can be described as “skeletal” and I feel like crop tops are meant to, like, not show off every bone in your chest but also I don’t give a shit because a matching rainbow crop top are you kidding me) is another $70 and it’s not like I can have one without the other. So here I am, without the¬†prestigious, yet quaint, cupcake shop internship that I know in my heart I’m destined for. Speaking of destiny can we talk about the sexiest goddamn dress that I have ever seen in my life:

Image

I just mean like are you kidding me?? I am so in love with this I want to die. Just forget about the dumb sunglasses that she’s wearing because my small face can only really pull off those cheap Hot Topic sunglasses that you try on to kill 10 minutes at the mall, and give me everything this girl is wearing and also her life. I love this also because it’s dead sexy (as mentioned before) but also it has juuuust enough not-sexy that I could totally get away with wearing this and, you know, my untied boots or whatever, and just breeze into Literatures of Continental Europe like “oh, yeah, no it’s chill sorry ladies I’m taken don’t all rush to sit next to me and bask in my crazy hot intellect.” Everyone else probably thinks this is the trashiest thing ever (and you don’t even know that it’s called a “garter dress” on the website), but I can’t get enough of this. That girl definitely knows what she’s doing in the bedroom and she also carries business cards in the pocket of her leather jacket and balances the shit out of her checkbook and files her taxes on time. She probably has an amazing credit score. These things are all sexy as hell to me.

But instead, I’m stuck wearing clothes that reveal my true self: unable to mature past 10th grade. I mean that mentally and physically, of course because I still have the same taste in clothing and also I literally have not grown since I’ve been wearing the same jeans for 7 years. I desperately wish that was an exaggeration. But until this blog sends me into mega superstardom like I know it will, my lack of awesome clothes that turn me into a beautiful goddess that effortlessly moves through life with grace and poise and out of reach. I will continue to lament this, and the fact that there is a distinct lack of videos of Percy the Pug from Pocahontas on YouTube. The Internet is just so unsatisfying.

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